If you are new around these parts and have some catching up to do, for the love of all that is good in the world, don’t waste your time on Tenplay watching The Bachelor, just click here for my previous recaps!
With Leah’s departure, all the girls seem hunky dory, roses and butterflies according to Steph, although Sharlene is feeling hung out to dry by the lack of quality time with the boyfriend she’s sharing with 13 other women. (Hello? Sharlene?)
The first date card of the episode is a single date for Elora, who has already enjoyed a date with Matty in episode 2! Shock and horror! The obvious green-eyed monsters come out to play, with Michelle, Sharlene and Jen expressing their jealousy as Elora leaves the mansion to head west to the Blue Mountains. She meets Matty at Glenbrook Creek and they hike down through the bush to Jellybean Pool, a beautiful secluded waterway. As soon as Matty asks Elora if she’d like to go swimming, we get it. Remember that bangin’ bod in those togs? Of COURSE he wants to do it again.
While Matty and Elora enjoy the predictable fruit platter, he shares that sister Kate really liked Elora at their meeting the day before. He then puts Elora through some serious date torture, with them both using up a lot of hot air by blowing up a giant swan floatie. Ugh, nobody looks cute blowing up a pool toy. I’ll tell you what DOES look cute, and that’s Elora’s butt in these Brazilian bikini bottoms. They wouldn’t be my choice of swimwear on a national television show; but then again, maybe if I had Elora’s toned tush, maybe they would.
As Matty whisks Elora to a rustic dining setting, with a crackling fire, Elora displays remarkable prescience (or is perhaps prompted by a producer) by saying that she wishes they could just stay there and not return to the mansion. Matty also throws to camera that he doesn’t want the date to end, and gives a giggling Elora a rose and a long smooch, before revealing that he’s arranged for cottages for them both for the evening.
The ‘cottages’ look more like trendy eco-resort cabins, but potato/potato. They lingeringly kiss goodbye outside Elora’s cottage, and she invites him in… and it’s not until after the ad break that we find out that he gentlemanly declines. The anticipation… that didn’t exist because we don’t really care.
The next morning, all the ladies crash Elora’s morning after buzz by turning up on a group date at Spicers Sangoma Retreat in the blue mountains. Osher turns up and let’s the girls know that they’re about to hit the scrub hard, in a competitive bush race for more time with Matty. (As a recent visitor to a Spicers Retreat, let me tell you that this was the highlight of the episode for me. They are just gorgeous properties.)
As they sprint down the hill, viewers are treated to a great stack on the rocks from Elise, and watching some of the other girls literally clambering over her was particularly brutal.
The compatibility questions throughout the course have a few contestants stumped, including Dutch Florence who decides to cheat on not one… but three questions, and overtakes Elora to win. This delights all the envious ladies who are still mad at the firetwirler for getting the opportunity to spend the night with Matty.
After confessing her minor transgression to Matty, Florence is rewarded with a rose and a kiss.
At the cocktail party, talk turns to Elora’s significant time with Matty and how some girls have had plenty of opportunity with him, while others (such as Sharlene) haven’t had so much as a chat since the first night. Jen can’t hold the RBF* expression back as she listens to Sharlene rabbit on about how she and Matty are in the same season of life, and she just wants ‘to get the white picket fence’.
After running through the conversation in her head about thirty times, Sharlene storms over and poorly delivers a bad joke about being catering staff. Matty deflects most of the awkwardness and does his best to placate her as they take a seat together.
Thrillingly, we do get the line of the season from an unlikely source…
Jen: It’s hard to watch, if I’m honest. It hurts my soul.
Michelle: Hurts my soul? Come on, you don’t have one.
REALITY TV GOLD.
Sharlene tries to turn the relationship into a mentor-mentee one, asking Matty for advice on how to deal with how difficult the situation can feel for a contestant on the show. The penny drops for her when Matty says that he doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time, and you can almost hear the back-pedalling in her brain.
She then says thanks (and not in a grateful tone) five times as he politely lets her know that maybe this isn’t the journey for her. More storming from Sharlene, and for once we agree with Jen. Meh.
As Sharlene justifies their lack of spark to camera (pugs, martial arts and musical theatre productions feature heavily), the limo turns up and all talk turns to the Rose ceremony for the remaining ladies.
Osher has particular high hair tonight. This doesn’t affect the Rose ceremony, but I think it’s important to note.
Who receives roses:
Tara, Elise, Laura, Michelle, Cobie, Simone, Jen, Lisa
Who goes home:
Stephanie and Alix. I’m surprised that Alix is gone before Michelle and Simone, I thought she and Matty had a great time together. Ah well, she’ll find other bodies to paint.
This gorgeous green Cooper St lace dress (currently on sale for $90, if you’re in the market for a frock) is so stunning on Tara, she looks sensational in this colour. Wear green always, Tara.
*Resting Bitch Face