Well, I’m sure we can all agree that last week’s two Bachelor episodes were as boring as a teenager at a lawn bowls tournament. Let’s all hope for some sort of drama llama in this episode, or we’ll be flicking over to How I Met Your Mother on channel 11.
Episode 5 starts quickly with Osher dropping into the mansion wearing another bomber jacket, bearing a single date card reading ‘I feel like we are starting to speak the same language’ which OBVIOUSLY means it is for Florence, as she taught him a little sexy Dutch last week. Oh, and there’s a postscript… ‘PS You might need a little Dutch courage.’ Yep, it’s you, Flo.
Surprise surprise, Jen doesn’t like the idea of the date, but does anyone care anymore? Nope.
Next comes Florence’s one on one date with Matty, and the two met at the top of Australian Towers in Sydney’s Olympic Park for an anticipatory chat before Matty springs on Flo that they’ll be rappelling down the side of the building. Ladies, have we not discussed that when you list your fears for the producers, don’t actually list your fears. Say you’re scared of cheese or something.
Unfortunately, I lose interest in Florence after she works herself into a lather and calls herself a stupid B*. Can’t deal with that, especially in a 7.30pm timeslot.
They finally both step off the 26th floor of the building after MUCH deliberation and a few more swearsies from Flo. (Also, is that rappelling? I thought they’d bounce down and kiss on the way.) Once they’re at the bottom, Florence confesses that she felt empowered by the experience and said that she feels that jumping off the building has set her up for a relationship with Matty because it’s such a crazy thing to do together.
The date takes an odd turn, with the two of them in a strange little loft and when Matty tells her his plans to make a cast of their hands, even Florence asks ‘Make a what?’ Correct response, lady. If a guy ever asks you to do this on a first date, run.
So yes, they hold hands in a bucket of white goop, make a cast of their hands, and their hands get stuck in a bucket together.
Once they clean all the Plaster of Paris from under their nails, they relax with the cheese and strawberries that nobody ever eats (I feel like this might be the same platter of plastic fruit and nibbles that is rolled out every date?), they chat about Flo’s wistful life in the Netherlands. Turns out all she’s ever wanted to do is live in Australia all her life. Flo also confesses that until the single date, she wasn’t even sure that she’d like Matty. Turns out yes she does, because he’s so stunning. (Her words, not mine.) Then they kiss, and Matty reaches under the obligatory blanket to pull out… tadaa, a rose!
Once our little Dutch girl returns grinning like the Cheshire Cat, to the mansion, we get a few camera shots of Cobie, who seems like she’s trying really hard to be happy for Florence. Guys, just so you know… this is the face I used to pull when my hairdresser used the streaking cap and crochet hook on me. Cobie is in serious pain, but trying to be polite.
Osher surprised the girls the next morning by dropping in a two-on-one date card, and the camera starts cutting to Liz and Jen. (Hey producers? A little suspense would go a long way.)
Sharlene suggests that everyone’s favourite (NOT AT ALL) Jen could be on the two-on-one date, and Jen retaliates with ‘Thanks for throwing me under the bus, babe’. As if Sharlene had any say in it. Twit.
Liz and Jen are listed, and we might as well all go to bed now. Predictable much?
Surprisingly, it’s Jen’s ally Leah who throws to camera and says what we’re all thinking… Jen is a master manipulator, and she’ll be ready to do whatever it takes to come home with a rose. It’s a Battle of the Rompers, as Jen turns on the charm and strikes early with a flirty quip about forming super special and loving friendships in the mansion, which will surprise all the ladies when they see this episode. Liz rarely cracks a smile, and accepts defeat early as soon as Matty mentions that they may not share a spark.
Finally we have a departing limo ride! But no tears.
When Jen hears the news from Matty, her gloaty little expression is too hard for her to hide. And I’m not sure even Matty believes her when she says, dripping sincerity, ‘I’m sad for Liz, but I’m very glad to hear that at the same time’.
Jen arrives back at the mansion with a rose, and the ladies are SHOCKED (and tired) to hear that Jen is the evening’s victor. She actually starts telling them all the traits that Matty likes about her, and when asked, implies they kissed. ‘Yeah nah, I’m not going to answer that one today.’ Yawn.
Since Jen has a rose and is safe, Sian decides to take Jen’s normal role and make it all about her. She’s drinking what I can only assume is sangria (red wine with fruit), and then states that she doesn’t care that she’s not getting any attention, but then cares enough to cry and slam the bathroom door on a producer.
Question: Whose bedroom is that? And why are grown women made to sleep on bunk beds?
Ah hah! My favourite part of reality TV… when the fourth wall is broken and we catch shots of the producers and showrunners begging contestants to come out of the manky bathroom to confess their insecurities to camera. Sian reckons she’s decided to leave because who knew being on a reality show would mean you’re followed around by cameras. The flanno-wearing and leopard-pant-clad producers manage to earn their stripes and Sian comes out, mascara a-runnin’, to speak to Matty in the driveway.
Sian: I need to leave.
Matty: It’s up to you. (I love that Matty doesn’t beg her to stay.)
Sian (face dropping into an EVEN MORE sullen expression when she realises he’s not begging): Oh. I’ll stay.
Who receives a rose:
Florence, Laura (who gets a rose during the cocktail party in a visit to the Secret Garden which we didn’t see on camera, why?), Jen, Tara, Sharlene, Leah, Elora.
Matty has a few roses left to give out, when shock horror, he puts a rose back down and we are given that dreaded dating-show fallback… the ‘To Be Continued’!
Who goes home:
Liz. I’m ok with this, because I saw no spark between them. I don’t expect we’ll see Liz on reality TV again, and she’ll fade graciously back into regular life, no holding up the bar at Flemington during Spring Carnival for this young lady!
My style pick of the evening:
Look, it’s not what I’d wear to a cocktail party, but I love Tara’s quirky Rose Noir skirt and bustier combo. It’s simple and fun, and she had me at stripes.