The Bachelor Recap, episode 4 and someone needs to get off her high horse

After recapping last night’s episode featuring Laura’s artistic but dull date, and the mayhem that was our trip through medieval dating etiquette, we see a few snippets of tonight’s show, and are led to believe that it’ll be a rollercoaster of emotion. Don’t get too excited, folks.

First things first, we don’t see the single date card handed out, so there’s no way for us to know if Jen and Leah are happy for Cobie. Wait, yes there is – of course they’re not. (Sidenote: 30 year old Cobie Frost is a coal plant operator from Brisbane, and I’m SHOCKED I TELL YOU that we haven’t seen her in high-vis gear yet. Also – I’m still waiting for proof that Cobie and Laura Dern aren’t the same person. I mean, has anyone seen them in the same room?)

Matty invites Cobie to a rainy Sydney Polo Club – the venue for the Polo World Championships later this year, which is where I imagine you’ll find all the beautiful Bachie rejects of seasons past, Instagramming themselves and enjoying the marquee action, if not the divot-stomping. Chukkas for the excellent cross-promotion, Matty. So yes, they’re going horse riding together for a romantic first date because riding damp horses through wet grass sounds like it wouldn’t aggravate my hayfever at all.

Cobie seems delighted when Matty turns up with a stallion (although how does one know if a horse is a stallion/gelding/mare/filly/colt if one was not brought up around horses?) and invites her to join him for a ride, which is not a euphemism. We don’t need to see the horse urinate, but the producers show us anyway… for almost 20 whole seconds. Nope.

Back at the mansion… Jen (who you’ll recall if you read my Episode 1 Recap, does not consider herself a jealous type) admits that she is 100% jealous that Cobie received a single date card, and says that she ate a whole spoonful of her feelings to cope. (Between you and me, I’m surprised she has enough feelings to even fill a spoon.)

Tara throws out a tired comment about how she eats her vegetables first before eating the schnitzel to suggest to the girls that perhaps Matty is saving the best for last, but it just makes me think about Tara dipped in a decent eggwash and crumbed in a delicious panko mixture.

After donning appropriate PPE, Matty helps Cobie mount up and then they walk/trot/eat/walk their way around the polo club grounds. Cobie seems to relax right into it, just in time for them to dismount and wash the horses? Call me crazy, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of activity I’d ever be dressed appropriately for on a date.

Cobie also describes the experience as one of the most ‘beautifulest’ experiences she’s ever been a part of. So there’s that.

They rinse the horses and themselves off, although Matty obviously wants to get to some more serious conversation with Cobie, as she keeps joking around. (Yup, that’d be the nerves, mate. You did it last season, remember?) Cut to the ladies back at the mansion surmising that Cobie will come home with a rose, but may get friend-zoned down the track.

After a short ad break (which mainly consists of spoilers for Channel Ten’s other reality juggernaut, Survivor), Matty and Cobie enter what one can only imagine is part of the fussy old gentlemen’s quarters at the polo club, and sip from prominently-placed Johnny Walker Black, which I’m guessing is the liquor of choice at the upcoming World Championships. (I’d also really like to know if Cobie is enjoying her drink. It looks like it.)

Cobie hasn’t dated for about two years, and she confesses it’s because she doesn’t want to get hurt by putting herself out there… so she applies for the Bachelor? Huh? The friend situation is brought up by Cobie who has been best friends with a previous partner, and Matty enjoys the more mature (probably drunker) version of Cobie.

Uh oh. She wrote him a poem. That’s right. Miss Cobie, who finds it difficult to open up and express her feelings writes them in a poem? Nope. But this pays off, because hiding under a musty Burberry blanket… is a rose – ta da! She claims to be nervous and persuades him to move halfway in for the kiss – I like it, because ain’t nobody got time for a cricked neck in a pash – and by my comprehensive Bachie notes, this was the longest kiss shown so far.

In her next throw to camera, Cobie claims to be more invested now, which I would’ve expected from any of the girls who have walked away from their jobs and lives to be on this show, so yes, you’re invested. You’re all dang invested.

The next day, in the interests of getting to know the girls on a more personal level (which one would argue is the entire point of the show), Matty turns up to invite the girls to enjoy a friendly round of Lifesize Bachelor Board Game, although Osher really is going to have to come up with a much catchier title if they want Hasbro or Mattel to vie for the rights for this.

Look, this game was advertised as high-drama, but in reality was rather dull so I’ll skip through the highlights for you.

• Osher is wearing an open mandarin-collar shirt, and is holding the kind of giant foam die that we use for Preppies’ PE classes.

• Like all good games where the outcome could be nookie, the rules seemed reasonably fluid – and I feel like the producers were also bored halfway through, and added a couple of twists and turns.

• Alix rolled a six, but then she didn’t get to roll again. THE HORROR. Have they never played a board game in ‘Straya before?

• Within the first few rolls, Simone got the opportunity to smash a banana cream pie in another girls’ face, and she inexplicably DIDN’T choose Leah. All of Australia got up to make a cup of tea because this was going nowhere in a hurry.

• Oh hahaha, Police Officer Michelle gets sent to jail, this is so clever! #stopit

• Cobie gets to choose between a kiss from Matty and moving forward three spaces and she chooses to advance in the game.

• Liz is compared to Simone during a simple swap-out play, but Liz fires back straight away that she’s a smarter version of Simone. (There’s obviously something going on between these two back at the mansion FOR SURE, but for some reason the producers aren’t showing us. Which makes me wonder what they think we want to watch?)

• Jen was pie-smashed by Steph, and then Jen turned that banana cream pie into something a little kinkier by rubbing it all over her chest and calling out for Matty. All of Australia put down their desserts and lost their appetites.

• Michelle wins, although there doesn’t seem to be a prize.

And now it’s cocktail party time, and disappointingly, none of the ladies turn up with banana cream pie in their hair.

Whilst she has a rose from her single date, Cobie didn’t take the opportunity to kiss Matty during the world’s most boring board game, and wants to explain to him that she regrets that decision, and the more fiery girls (Leah, Jen, yada yada) warn her off moving in for any one-on-one time.

Florence gives Matty a sexy Dutch lesson dressed as Britney circa 1998, but his Harry Potter specs and grammar school tie distract me from the learning of the Dutch, and we all know I like a sneaky language lesson. (See Episode 3 Recap for more info on my nerd-like ways.) Flo teaches him to ask ‘Will you accept this rose?’ in her native language, and we all know he’ll definitely trot that out at tonight’s rose ceremony.

Jen starts dropping f-bombs all over the place when Cobie interrupts Simone; but I’m preoccupied by Jen’s incredible Acropolis Now Effie impression. Girl can REALLY purse her lips.

Leah heads in to where Cobie and Matty are having a good chat, and actually says, ‘Playing devil’s advocate here, can I return you to the party?’ Cobie replied, ‘Actually, you can’t, I’ll return him to the party in two minutes’. All of Australia cheered.

Hey Leah, I wanna just let you know what it actually means to be a devil’s advocate. It’s when you are arguing against a cause or position, not as a committed opponent but simply for the sake of argument. The producers don’t need to paint you as a villain, you’re doing a top job all by yourself.

Laura defends Cobie, and infers that Leah is adding an implied tone to Cobie’s words; and Lisa defends Laura who defends Cobie, and I’m reminded why these three are my faves, both for Matty to find love, and for me to possibly hang out with in the future. They’re a pretty decent wolfpack.

As Matty returns to the group, we hear crickets. Like, the producers actually pipe in the sound of crickets chirping, which I think is just a magical touch.

Who receives a rose:

Tara, Florence, Elora, Michelle, Laura, Simone, Lisa, Alix, Natalie, Sian, Jennifer, Leah, Sharlene, Stephanie, Liz, Elise.

Who goes home:

Love coach Belinda, which is no surprise to anyone but her. And again we are robbed of the delights of a tearful limousine ride home.

My style pick of the evening:

Glamazon Laura wears this red bias Natalie Rolt dress so beautifully. It’s my style pick tonight not just because I adore the dress, but because there are only about 7 women on the planet who would look this amazing in such an unforgiving frock, and the other six are Victoria’s Secret Angels.

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