We’re getting to the pointy end of the dullest season ever, and with three girls left, it’s time for Matty to whittle it down to a final two.
The Bachelor producers checked their notes and realised we haven’t seen much of Matty’s abs for a few episodes, so we open to a shirtless Bachelor pondering his three ladies while wistfully looking out to the ocean.
Fortuitously, Laura is also standing by the beach, contemplating how much she should tell Matty about her feelings for him, when he pulls up in a convertible Cobra, wearing a regrettable shearling and denim jacket.
Laura seems delighted when Matty pulls up at a headland and tells her that they’re going to jump off a cliff go paragliding. Because that’s exactly what we all want to do when we’re trying to decide who we want to spend the rest of our life with! (Not at all… I would like to chat and find out what their bathroom cupboard looks like, and maybe chat about whether Vegemite belongs in the pantry or the fridge. Priorities, folks.)
As they fly through the sky, whirling across the water, Laura and Matty both squeal and holler, getting more and more close emotionally (again, that’s sarcasm, people).
After their adventure in the sky, Matty takes Laura to a fairy-lit garden to chat, and presents her with a sketched portrait of her that he’s been working on. Anyone else sceptical? It’s no Archibald Prize entry, but its eons ahead of his last effort.
Laura is moved by the gesture and opens up to Matty, telling him that she’s definitely falling for him, and he reciprocates with a long kiss.
Matty rides in the engine of a steam train to meet Elise at Thirlmere Station, and greets her as if he’s returning from war, scooping her around the waist and pulling her in close. All the romantic feels, folks. Except it’s more friendly fun, less fiery passion.
They talk and kiss for the entire afternoon train ride out to the campfire, where we’re mercifully spared the fairylights and silk flowers, and instead the area is lit by the flickering campfire and plenty of lamps. Matty pulls out a giant bowl of marshmallows, which may well be the highlight of the episode for me.
Again, the conversation quickly turns to how much Elise cares for Matty, and she also shares that she can see a future for them, and even more importantly, she’s falling in love with him. Yes, she’s the first to say ‘falling in love’!
Tara’s date kicks off with a seaplane, and yep, she runs down the pontoon and hollers ‘Oh sick! Matty and a seaplane, my two favourite things!’ Really, Tara? They’re your favourite things? (I would argue that she’s never met my puppy and eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.)
They take a scenic flight around Sydney Harbour, before landing in the water and disembarking onto a yacht to watch the sunset and drink champagne. Just a standard Bachelor date, really.
The producers return to the fairy lit scenario, with Matty and Tara smashing another cheese platter before Tara confesses her deep affection for Matty. Matty shares that he can’t imagine saying goodbye to Tara, leaving us thinking that it’s got to be the late favourite Elise going home tonight.
The last rose ceremony in the mansion brings out Osher’s golden vocals, and he huskily-whispers that Matty only has two roses to hand out tonight.
Who receives roses:
Laura and Elise.
Who goes home:
Tara. The GC nanny who called Matty ‘mate’ on their first date, Tarz is a fan favourite who will definitely be in the running for future Bachelorette series. As Matty walks her to the limo, he reminisces on their fun time together, and his voice cracks as he bids her goodbye. If Matty chooses who the Daily Mail reports he chooses, then he is going to regret saying goodbye to Tara!
Tara brings the Gold Coast’s blingy reputation to the mansion in this sequinned Ziolkowski gown – and there’s no mistaking this golden girl for a meter maid!