Osher welcome us to the stunning and romantic islands of the Kingdom of Thailand, and reminds us that just two girls remain. Math is not my strong point, so I’m super-appreciative for the memo.
We watch Matty board the Air Asia plane, and he ponders the time he’s spent with each girl as he gazes out the window on the Tarmac. Not for the last time, were told that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make.
(Anyone else wondering if Elise and Laura are seated next to each other on the plane?)
Before either of the girls show up, Matty had some alone time with his family. I want to take a minute to point out here that I know not everybody is a fan of Matty. I certainly wasn’t at the start of the season, but I think he’s a genuine guy looking for love (or at least a hot date for this year’s Spring Racing Carnival).
Elise arrives and greets the family (Matty’s mum and brothers) really warmly, makes small talk and discovers that Matty’s mum Ellie played hockey back in the day. Brother Tom takes Elise aside and immediately grills her, more intensely than most job interviews I’ve been on! His first question is the incredibly rude ‘how many lovers have you had?’ – WHAT THE ACTUAL? Elise handles herself well with Tom, and is comfortable sharing her love of family. Matty’s mum Ellie enjoys Elise’s gentle, warm and vibrant nature, and even offers up any of her other three sons if Matty doesn’t choose Elise in the final Rose ceremony.
Laura has a hard act to follow after the family’s love fest with Elise and she feels the pressure early on, and fills all the available space with words. All the space.
She doesn’t let any of Matty’s family get a word in, and when Matty goes she speak, she even talks over him! Brother Tom picks up on her nerves and decides to home in on her weaknesses, comparing Laura’s driven independence and lack of hobbies to Elise’s well-rounded and more stable life.
After chatting with Laura, Mum Ellie says Laura is articulate, what? Are watching the same girl?
Matty gets no clear guidance from his family, and whilst Elise seems to fit in the best, Mum seems won over by Laura’s clumsy efforts to impress.
For their last date, Matty meets Elise on a huge motor cruiser on the Andaman sea, under a grey and threatening sky. He tells her how delighted he was to see her fit in so well with his family, and she’s says that she loves him, he confuses it as a cue for ‘I want to make out’. I hate it when that happens.
They paddle to a deserted island beach, and more sharing follows, surrounded by the trappings of a tropical picnic, before they take a dip. As they spend the evening together, Elise voices her concerns about it possibly being their last night together, and Matty kisses her again – and says nothing to ease her worries. Mate, you can give a LITTLE. Ben Flajnik actually told girls he loved them on the US Bachelor, so it’s not impossible.
Laura is thrilled that their final date is a scenic helicopter ride, and they fly into the mist over the Thai jungle, over the beautiful limestone islands and brightly floating fishing villages, to land at an elephant sanctuary.
As Matty is explaining about the rescued elephant fasai, Laura interrupts him – stop it, girl! They give Fasai a wash, and then passionately kiss in the water RIGHT NEXT TO THE ELEPHANT. NOPE. If it’s not culturally insensitive, at the very least it’s putting them at risk of dysentery.
They’re then punted down the river on a bamboo raft as it rains, and Laura doesn’t stop laughing. Not once. Australia is bored of Laura’s laugh, for sure.
I’d really like to know who was in charge of shipping all the fairy lights to Thailand, because they are everywhere in the garden where Matty takes Laura to lay on a daybed and kiss. Honestly, it’s gotta be a fulltime job in the props team.
We watch both the girls get ready for the final Rose Ceremony, and not a soul is surprised by Laura’s choice of a creamy white beaded crop top and maxi skirt combo. Elise reverts to her first-night style, wearing a glittery gown with a train and a thigh-high split.
Matty slowly does his shirt buttons up, very VERY slowly, and keeps checkIng the Larsen engagement ring box in his pocket, before meeting Osher at the petal-strewn garden terrace where the ceremony will take place.
Osher asks what’s different about him since that first night back at the mansion, and Matty replies that he’s now in love. Nawww. Fortunately it’s not lost on Matty that he’s been on the receiving end of this position before, and doesn’t want to hurt the girl hasn’t won his heart.
The first girl out of the boat onto the beach is Elise. (Remember, if you’ve ever watched the show before, you know that being the first out of the limo/boat/seaplane/train/tandem bike on finale day isn’t a good thing.)
The second Elise walks up to him, he looks like he is going to vomit. And Elise can tell that she’s not the one.
He reminisces about the first night they met, and how their slow start gave them a great foundation, and tells her that she is incredibly worthy of finding true love, but it’s not with him. She thanks him for the journey, and wishes him well.
Elise leaves with dignity intact, and quietly and tearfully wonders if it was worth the risk, and you just know that her dad is gonna be calling Matty up for a quiet word.
Laura is next to step barefoot out of the boat and briefly speaks to Osher about her thoughts and fears before walking up to the garden terrace.
The minute he sees her, Matty’s face lights up, but manages to put her off the scent. He confesses that he loves her, and Laura is shocked and surprised that he’s not sending her home. He asks for her RIGHT hand, and gives her a whopping great diamond PROMISE ring.
Sidenote: I feel like the eclectic jewellery designer might want something a little more unique than a diamond solitaire (not me, mate – I love my solo stone), perhaps a pear morganite?
And that’s a wrap on this season, and I am both glad it’s over and slightly resentful that wasted so much time and stuck it out. Thanks for joining me, folks.
Here’s hoping Sophie Monk’s Bachelorette season is more entertaining. At the very least, there’s more eye candy for us all!