The Bachelor Recap, episode 10 and we’re in the drama kabana

Poor Jen. Two minutes into the episode and our resident villain is complaining about having no friends left in the house now Michelle has gone, but then follows it up with a reminder that she’s not here for the girls, she’s here for Matty. #canthaveyourcakeandeatittoo

Osher turns up wearing a new addition to his bomber jacket collection, and we hit a new squealing level as they girls discover that he has brought – surprise – a date card!

Tara announces that the lucky lady is Elise, and all the girls (bar Jen) get pretty jazzed for her. And even more squeal-worthy… she only has 15 minutes to get ready!

Matty picks Elise up in a double-decker bus and as they drive around Sydney, sharing memories and telling stories about local places they’ve visited and lived in, there is definitely more of a spark between them than we’ve seen in previous episodes.

Back in the Bachelor mansion, the women are lounging (elegantly as always) in the garden, with Jen and Simone complaining about being date-less AGAIN, when Leah bounds in with a group date card, inviting the girls to ‘feel like it’s Summer’.

Out on their date, Matty and Elise enjoy a postcard-perfect view next to a personalised lemonade stand (my, that props team has been busy – but thankfully, there are no fairy lights) before Matty pulls out a couple of hockey sticks and kits up a la Hannibal Lector. Of course Elise scores a couple of goals, and they get pretty close as they wrestle for the ball. Matty scores a shot, but Elise doesn’t score a kiss. What’s the go with this on-off chemistry, guys?

 

Matty and Elise load back onto the bus before heading to a boat for an evening tour of the Harbour and a spa. Yes, a spa in a boat, looking at Sydney’s lights. Normally-sensible Elise opens up to Matty about not falling for people easily, but knowing she’s on to a good thing, they kiss and a rose-exchange occurs. FINALLY.

The group date invitation hints that it’s going to be something Summery and the ladies heading to play beach games in teams to win extra time with Matty.

Stripping down to the shortest-possible denim cut-offs and some tiny bikinis and tanks, I’m curious why the girls don’t immediately force him to take his shirt off. What happened to equal opportunity objectification?  What follows is the most intense and poorly played game of ‘beach cricket with butterfly nets’ ever to be filmed, and then an even less-exciting game of thong-tossing. (That’s thongs as in flip-flops, for any non-Aussies.)

As the final game of volleyball winds up, Elise’s team (with Jen, Simone, Laura and Florence) gets more and more desperate to win. Obviously, our old mate Jen takes the beach games far more seriously than the other girls, mainly because she believes that Lisa doesn’t like Matty enough to deserve it.

After some celebratory Matty time with the winners (Lisa, Cobie, Tara and Elora), it’s time for the cocktail party in the mansion. Or is it being held in the drama kabana tonight?

Matty takes Jen for a one-on-one chat straight away, as he’s getting a weird vibe from her. (Us too, mate.) He asks how she is, and she immediately turns on the vulnerability, and the lies. Wow, she even says ‘There are girls in here who are one way in the house, and another way with you’! LIES! IT’S YOU, JEN!

She dumps gorgeous tennis-player Lisa in a huge pile of untruths, telling Matty that Lisa doesn’t even want to be here, and thinks that he is there for the wrong reasons. Of course, as soon as Matty asks her about her feelings towards him, Lisa answers like a sensible girl should, saying ‘I don’t know you well enough to know if I’m in love with you’, and ‘I think you’re here for the right reasons, to fall in love’.

After denying that she told Matty specific things – LIES, ALL LIES – Jen loses her ever-loving mind, and starts crying that she’s been cornered in the drama kabana. As Elise, Tara and Cobie question her, she really starts feeling sorry for herself.

My favourite throw to camera all night is Jen, stating sincerely that she’s above ‘mean girls’ and she graduated high school ages ago.  A khaki-clad producer tries to persuade Jen to stay and create a few more ripples in the pond before leaving, but she sneaks off, walking down the driveway in her cocktail dress and heels, dragging her suitcase behind her.

TV GOLD.

Style pick:

Elise is a big winner tonight, wearing this this gorgeous flippy little wrap dress from Winona.

The Bachelor Recap, episode 9 and we confirm that Matty is a terrible dancer

The fairy lights are lit, and the Bachelor mansion lounge room is full of ladies reclining elegantly, sipping Skinny Tea (look, that’s a bold assumption, but I stand by it), and we open with a serious discussion about how 10 girls is a lot less than 13 girls. We also see some real insecurity from our bolshy Jen, wondering when she’ll get the single date she’s wanted for so long.

Alas, Osher delivers a group date card for Jen, Simone, Elise and Cobie, and with the mention of home comforts, talk turns to the possibility that they’ll be feeding Matty.

‘Obviously I’m a great cook’, Jen says. Um, what makes it obvious that you can cook? I *look* like I can cook, but that doesn’t mean I have any culinary skills. What is this unseen but obviously clear sign that someone can cook?

When the girls arrive at yet another enormous mansion, they are brought to tears by Osher and Matty advising them that each of them has one of their parents there to join them on this group date. (I can’t think of anything worse, not least because both my feminist parents would firmly denounce the Bachelor producers for the completely contrived emotional trauma which showcases antiquated heteronormative relationship ideals. Thanks folks.)

Poor Simone confesses immediately that her mum can’t cook, and they all sit down for a drink BEFORE heading into the kitchen in pairs (which doesn’t bode well for those cooking last… drunk cooking helps nobody but the chef).

As Elise and her straight-shooting dad Phil start cooking a seafood dish, the rest of the families chat outside, and of course the parents are grilling their daughters about how much time they’ve had with Matty. It’s awkward as can be, when the girls are all gushy and ‘Oh, I really like him, he’s so great’, then the parentals dig further and find out that their beloved baby girls have only had a handful of short chats.

Remember that Matty loved Elise’s Mexican-Christmas family pic from the fishing game? Well, she definitely looks like the frontrunner in the normal family front. Phil is asking regular dad-questions, and there’s not too much drama. They serve up a delish-looking seared tuna salad – which of course Jen hates. Meh.

Simone and her mum Lorraine look like a blonde comedy of errors in the kitchen, while Cobie and her father Brad have a super-comfortable relationship, and Matty seems to enjoy the relaxed atmosphere with them. Jen and her mother (less overbearing than you’d expect) whip up a deconstructed Banoffee dessert, and I’m surprised that there’s been no crazy salt-for-sugar swapping by Jen to sabotage the other girls. Matty selects Elise for some more one-on-one time, and Jen is predictably shocked and sulky.

As Matty and Elise chat, he opens up about how comfortable he feels with her, and gives her a rose. The kiss that follows is a little less than passionate, but I’m just hoping that it’s because Elise is a sensible soul and refuses to get pash rash on national television.

The next morning, the women are interrupted at breakfast by Matty riding up on a beautifully pom-pom adorned camel, and he invites Tara to join him. She drops a few four-letter words as they get up and ride off down the mansion driveway, and Matty reassures her that he knows exactly what he’s doing, as this is his first time on a camel too!

When they arrive at their Moroccan pop-up tent, they’re greeted by a decent array of Moroccan tea and lanterns (I feel like the props team placed an accidentally-huge order for these, so thought ‘How can we use ’em all?’)

They chat and enjoy a few glasses of spiced tea before a surprise visitor turns up – a belly dance instructor! All of Australia cringes, and Matty confesses he’s an awful dancer. We have to agree, mate.

Holding hands, Matty and Tara relax after the awkwardness of the dancing, and he probes to find out more about her sensitive side. They talk about their similar values and future family plans, and they share a kiss and a rose exchange – which is about ten times more passionate than his earlier exchange with Elise.

As Matty and Tara return to the Bachelor mansion to join the cocktail party, Jen mentions that they’re holding hands like brother and sister. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never held hands and looked up from under my fluttery lashes at my brother, so that’s a strong no from me. On Tara’s insistence, Matty gives the ladies a demonstration of his newfound dancing skills. Again, don’t dance Matty. Just don’t do it.

Jen takes Matty away to shove a dessert platter at him, and it’s uncomfortable viewing to see her talking to Matty about her lack of time with him, and she sounds like it is all about the competition for her, not the chemistry. She also finishes his sentences, which is THE WORST. (It’s also my worst habit, so I shouldn’t judge.)

The rose ceremony seems even more Moroccan-lantern-lit this evening, but I might be imagining things.

Who receives roses:

Tara, Elise, Cobie, Lisa, Laura, Florence, Jen, Simone and Elora.

Who goes home:

Michelle. Without a single date, Michelle’s aloofness did her no favours; the girls all seem pretty sad to see her go, so she was obviously a decent lady. Also, there’s no limo camera this episode.

 

Style picks:

 

Elise is the real winner of this episode, wearing a gorgeous navy Winona playsuit that I freaking adore!

The Bachelor Recap, episode 8 and Matty likes a cheater

If you are new around these parts and have some catching up to do, for the love of all that is good in the world, don’t waste your time on Tenplay watching The Bachelor, just click here for my previous recaps!

With Leah’s departure, all the girls seem hunky dory, roses and butterflies according to Steph, although Sharlene is feeling hung out to dry by the lack of quality time with the boyfriend she’s sharing with 13 other women. (Hello? Sharlene?)

The first date card of the episode is a single date for Elora, who has already enjoyed a date with Matty in episode 2! Shock and horror!  The obvious green-eyed monsters come out to play, with Michelle, Sharlene and Jen expressing their jealousy as Elora leaves the mansion to head west to the Blue Mountains.  She meets Matty at Glenbrook Creek and they hike down through the bush to Jellybean Pool, a beautiful secluded waterway. As soon as Matty asks Elora if she’d like to go swimming, we get it. Remember that bangin’ bod in those togs? Of COURSE he wants to do it again.

While Matty and Elora enjoy the predictable fruit platter, he shares that sister Kate really liked Elora at their meeting the day before. He then puts Elora through some serious date torture, with them both using up a lot of hot air by blowing up a giant swan floatie. Ugh, nobody looks cute blowing up a pool toy. I’ll tell you what DOES look cute, and that’s Elora’s butt in these Brazilian bikini bottoms. They wouldn’t be my choice of swimwear on a national television show; but then again, maybe if I had Elora’s toned tush, maybe they would.

As Matty whisks Elora to a rustic dining setting, with a crackling fire, Elora  displays remarkable prescience (or is perhaps prompted by a producer) by saying that she wishes they could just stay there and not return to the mansion. Matty also throws to camera that he doesn’t want the date to end, and gives a giggling Elora a rose and a long smooch, before revealing that he’s arranged for cottages for them both for the evening.

The ‘cottages’ look more like trendy eco-resort cabins, but potato/potato. They lingeringly kiss goodbye outside Elora’s cottage, and she invites him in… and it’s not until after the ad break that we find out that he gentlemanly declines. The anticipation… that didn’t exist because we don’t really care.

The next morning, all the ladies crash Elora’s morning after buzz by turning up on a group date at Spicers Sangoma Retreat in the blue mountains. Osher turns up and let’s the girls know that they’re about to hit the scrub hard, in a competitive bush race for more time with Matty. (As a recent visitor to a Spicers Retreat, let me tell you that this was the highlight of the episode for me. They are just gorgeous properties.)

As they sprint down the hill, viewers are treated to a great stack on the rocks from Elise, and watching some of the other girls literally clambering over her was particularly brutal.

The compatibility questions throughout the course have a few contestants stumped, including Dutch Florence who decides to cheat on not one… but three questions, and overtakes Elora to win. This delights all the envious ladies who are still mad at the firetwirler for getting the opportunity to spend the night with Matty.

After confessing her minor transgression to Matty, Florence is rewarded with a rose and a kiss.

At the cocktail party, talk turns to Elora’s significant time with Matty and how some girls have had plenty of opportunity with him, while others (such as Sharlene) haven’t had so much as a chat since the first night. Jen can’t hold the RBF* expression back as she listens to Sharlene rabbit on about how she and Matty are in the same season of life, and she just wants ‘to get the white picket fence’.

After running through the conversation in her head about thirty times, Sharlene storms over and poorly delivers a bad joke about being catering staff. Matty deflects most of the awkwardness and does his best to placate her as they take a seat together.

Thrillingly, we do get the line of the season from an unlikely source…

Jen: It’s hard to watch, if I’m honest. It hurts my soul.

Michelle: Hurts my soul? Come on, you don’t have one.

REALITY TV GOLD.

Sharlene tries to turn the relationship into a mentor-mentee one, asking Matty for advice on how to deal with how difficult the situation can feel for a contestant on the show. The penny drops for her when Matty says that he doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time, and you can almost hear the back-pedalling in her brain.

She then says thanks (and not in a grateful tone) five times as he politely lets her know that maybe this isn’t the journey for her. More storming from Sharlene, and for once we agree with Jen. Meh.

As Sharlene justifies their lack of spark to camera  (pugs, martial arts and musical theatre productions feature heavily), the limo turns up and all talk turns to the Rose ceremony for the remaining ladies.

Osher has particular high hair tonight. This doesn’t affect the Rose ceremony, but I think it’s important to note.

 

Who receives roses:

Tara, Elise, Laura, Michelle, Cobie, Simone, Jen, Lisa

Who goes home:

Stephanie and Alix. I’m surprised that Alix is gone before Michelle and Simone, I thought she and Matty had a great time together. Ah well, she’ll find other bodies to paint.

Style pick:

This gorgeous green Cooper St lace dress (currently on sale for $90, if you’re in the market for a frock) is so stunning on Tara, she looks sensational in this colour. Wear green always, Tara.

*Resting Bitch Face

 

The Bachelor Recap, episode 7 and skeletons are gonna come out dancing

Osher’s recap of last week’s Bachelor episode includes (unsurprisingly) the news that sending Sian home was the toughest desicion yet for Matty. This is blatantly not true, but we’ll let it slide.

We meet Matty’s sister Kate straightaway, and are reminded that yes, Matty loves his cute chubby nephew George, and yes, Kate is pregnant. She’ll most likely miss any hometown dates or overseas trips towards the end of this season, so Matty tasks her with visiting the house to drop off a date card, and to throw some traditional family inquisition into the mix.

The girls all lose their mind a little bit when Kate walks in to the mansion, worried that she’s an intruder and might steal their collective boyfriend out from under their noses. Kate puts them at ease, introducing herself and giving body-painter Alix the single date card.

As soon as Matty arrives and explains that Kate will spend the day chatting with the ladies, Leah immediately begins wiping away tears, prompting the girls to speculate that her ‘party planning’ job might be a little more partying, and a little less planning.

Sidenote: Johnson, Matty Johnson. The 007 Aston Martin that Matty whisks away Alix in is just GORGEOUS.

Sister Kate wants to be Matty’s second set of eyes today, and starts the questioning with Leah. After Leah explains that she’s studying a double degree and owns her own business ‘promo, polo, you know’, Kate asks Leah whether she thinks all the girls are here for the right reasons. Mate, please.

Simone gets emotional early into her chat with Kate, and shares that Leah tried to ‘break her’ during the first week. She’s obviously hopeful that at least one other girl will spill the beans on Leah’s manipulation and cattiness too.

Alix looks slightly nervous and pretty buzzed to be trying cableskiing with Matty, but she gets her abs out and throws herself into it wholeheartedly, especially when Matty bets her a massage! I’m slightly concerned about her wardrobe choice, a teeny bikini seems risky?

Alix takes a few dives (seriously, cableskiing looks brutal), but she manages to stand up just as the sun is setting picturesquely over the water; and she earns both a massage and a cosy chocolate fondue session. Alix delights me, and all of Australia, as she laughs her way though a champagne toast and clinks the glass against her teeth; and Matty rewards her for her adorkableness (totally a word) with a rose.

Back at the mansion, Elora and Kate seem to get along great, and at the prerequisite ‘Is everyone here for the right reasons?’ question, Elora drops the possibility that Leah may be an exotic dancer.

After a fantastic date, Alix unfortunately puts her foot in it by bringing up the other girls, making Matty wonder if Alix can get past her insecurities.

It’s group date time, with Matty and his sister checking out the girls teaching young children to make volcanoes. I love/hate the dates with children, and feel super-awkward for those parents who regrettably sign the media release waivers. Lisa, Tara, Jen and Elise look comfortable getting down on the kindy floor, while Laura was left to try to bribe/force a child to hang out with her! (No judgement Laura, it’s a hard life. Even my little bestie Ned can hang me out to dry if he’s not in the mood.)

As the kids start moulding their volcanoes from playdough, Tara’s nannying skills come out to play, with her blonde moustachioed Italian alter-ego Mario teaching her young charge to measure out bicarb. This is definitely a trick I’ll be using with kids in the future!

Leah preempts the sisterly grilling, letting Kate know that she was expecting the ‘party planning’ conversation and that she’s had a bit of a wild past, but she runs the business now, and isn’t one of ‘those girls’. She also throws Elora and Simone under the bus, implicating them in some exotic dancing of their own.

Lucky Laura gets chosen for some one-on-one time for building and growing her relationship with her somewhat reluctant child. They board a paddle steamer to share champers and talk about future family plans, with Laura confessing that she’s not particularly maternal over other people’s children. PROPS FOR HONESTY, LAURA. Big fan.  The truth gets her a kiss and a rose, and I’m delighted for her.

As the girls return to the mansion from the kindy-date, Leah launches straight into attack mode towards both Simone and Elora, threatening to share their dirty laundry. (I don’t think anyone has laundry of Leah’s magnitude, but I’d love to hear it if they do.)

As Kate suggests that Matty should probe a little deeper into  Leah’s past at the evening’s cocktail party, he looks super-uncomfortable and awkward about any lady-drama. Leah does a stellar job explaining her role in her ‘events business’ as purely management and administration, and admits to pushing Simone’s buttons early in the season to try to make Simone explode. Horrible creature.

My ten points for the episode go to Elora, who when the girls are asking Leah about her chat with Matty, fires off ‘Did he tip you?’ as a not-so sly reference to Leah’s adult-entertainment past… or present. Simone confesses that a lifetime ago (kid, it was just three years) she was a topless waitress (for clientele like Warnie, no less!) and Matty seems like he’s totally ok with it, and consoles her.

Osher brings Leah outside to Matty ‘for a word’, and she continues to interrupt him as he questions her bitchiness. She doesn’t even let him get the full sentence ‘I think it’s best that you leave’ out without cutting in with an abrupt comment.  She unloads in the limo, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that she’s gone.

It is a fittingly dramatic conclusion to an episode which goes out of its way to showcase – in its gaudy, Moroccan-lantern-lit, bitchy Bachelor way – the slightly seedy histories of the contestants before the Daily Mail gets the chance.

Style pick:

This rich burgundy 3rd Love dress looks amazing on Elora’s curves, I would love  to rock this for a cocktail party!

The Bachelor Recap, episode 6 and things are getting monotonous

After Episode 5’s cliffhanger (yawn), we open to Matty placing the rose he’s holding back down, and asked Sian if they can step outside ‘for a word’.

You don’t need to be a genius to know that asking anyone ‘for a word’ never bodes well.

Matty can’t see it going anywhere between the two of them, so sends Sian packing – which he could’ve done in last night’s rose ceremony because that’s what rose ceremonies are for.

While all the girls pretend to be sad, Jen actually IS sad – I think because she’s losing allies. In her throw to camera, she says Sian would leave, but hello Jen… she didn’t leave, Matty booted her.

Then, in what is my least favourite moment of any Australian Bachelor episode ever, Matty lies to the ladies, imploring them to believe him that he isn’t being told what to do by the producers. Mate, I’m offended that you think they (and the viewing public) thinks that you are in control.

The episode’s single date card goes to Tara, who may have friend zoned herself at first meeting by calling him mate, and Matty continues the lightheartedness between them by turning up on a tandem bike. (Guys, don’t forget that Tara is the one who couldn’t remember which side of her head her tattoo is on. Never forget.) Tara shares that she hasn’t ridden a bike in years – even though she’s a nanny – so this should be great. On the upside, Tara is wearing the cutest helmet ever, I flipping love Nutcase helmets!

They ride along Sydney’s cliff top paths (hands up who thought the episode would be brightened up by a sneaky bike crash) to another harbourside mansion where they discover a kitchen stocked with ingredients to make fresh pasta from scratch. After donning aprons and kneading some dough, Tara obsesses over Matty’s butt to the point that most of Australia gets up and goes to pop the kettle on. (If this was The Bachelorette, production would grind to a halt and heads would roll.)

The girls going on the group date are Leah, Elise, Laura, Elora, Natalie and Simone. The invitation hints that it’s going to be hard to keep their feet on the ground and Simone immediately starts freaking out the possibility of the group date involving heights.

Back at the pasta-mansion, surrounded by a billion string lights in the bushes (who has time to decorate these gardens?), Matty is trying to get past Tara’s rough edges and finds that chatting about kids, partners and the difficulties of navigating tricky relationship waters brings out a more mature side.

As she’s rambling on and starting to actually open up, Matty pulls her in for a kiss.., and I holler at the TV, let her speak! A rose exchanges hands, they kiss again and Tara’s voiceover says ‘It’s rare for a man to appreciate me for me’.

Matty chooses to take the girls skydiving because it’s abnormal, scary and amazing (which is what I think of some of the ladies’ fake tans), and to push them to their limits. Simone loses her mind, and we reiterate the mantra ‘don’t tell the producers your actual fears’. When Matty sees Simones fearful reaction, he comforts her (I like this) and lets her know it’s OK not to do it (although I swear I hear a producer behind Simone whispering a contractual reminder).

As the girls hurl themselves out of a perfectly good plane, Simone hits a whole new level of screaming and sobbing terror, but bucks up and takes the leap, and earns some special one-on-one time with Matty. He raves on about her bravery (and let’s be honest, so does Simone).

We jump straight to a cocktail party, and quite a few of the ladies are wearing Camilla. If you remember, on Sam Woods’ season, Camilla sponsored a single date Camilla shopping spree for Lara, so it’s nice to see that the brand relationship is still strong.

In fine Jen-tradition, Jen complains about some other women, blah blah blah, while Elise (a surprise Hockeyroo!) sets up a sneaky fishing trip in the mansion pool, and invites Matty to fish for some info about her… a cute move!

Steph is wearing bugle beads and some sheer tulle and that’s about all; while Michelle is wearing a dress held together with what looks like a safety pin a la Liz Hurley.

While Sharlene and Laura are arguing over whether Michelle should interrupt Matty and Steph, our friend Jen swoops in like a vulture and interrupts.

Roses:

Elora, Hockeyroo Elise, Simone, Alix, Florence, Laura, Steph, Lisa, Cobie, Leah, Jen, Sharlene, Michelle.

Going home:

Crazy Natalie, who (unfortunately for the viewers of Australia ) really reined it in after the first evening’s wild adventures.  And we got a gold ‘story of my life’ throw to camera in the limo. We never saw her at her wildest, and for this I shall be eternally disappointed.

Style pick:

I love Alix in this Camilla Pretty Precision short dress, and I can imagine one of my best friends rocking this in a Bachelor cocktail party for sure!

The Bachelor Recap, episode 5 and Jen’s got him fooled

Well, I’m sure we can all agree that last week’s two Bachelor episodes were as boring as a teenager at a lawn bowls tournament. Let’s all hope for some sort of drama llama in this episode, or we’ll be flicking over to How I Met Your Mother on channel 11.

Episode 5 starts quickly with Osher dropping into the mansion wearing another bomber jacket, bearing a single date card reading ‘I feel like we are starting to speak the same language’ which OBVIOUSLY means it is for Florence, as she taught him a little sexy Dutch last week. Oh, and there’s a postscript… ‘PS You might need a little Dutch courage.’ Yep, it’s you, Flo.

Surprise surprise, Jen doesn’t like the idea of the date, but does anyone care anymore? Nope.

Next comes Florence’s one on one date with Matty, and the two met at the top of Australian Towers in Sydney’s Olympic Park for an anticipatory chat before Matty springs on Flo that they’ll be rappelling down the side of the building. Ladies, have we not discussed that when you list your fears for the producers, don’t actually list your fears. Say you’re scared of cheese or something.

Unfortunately, I lose interest in Florence after she works herself into a lather and calls herself a stupid B*. Can’t deal with that, especially in a 7.30pm timeslot.

They finally both step off the 26th floor of the building after MUCH deliberation and a few more swearsies from Flo.  (Also, is that rappelling? I thought they’d bounce down and kiss on the way.) Once they’re at the bottom, Florence confesses that she felt empowered by the experience and said that she feels that jumping off the building has set her up for a relationship with Matty because it’s such a crazy thing to do together.

The date takes an odd turn, with the two of them in a strange little loft and when Matty tells her his plans to make a cast of their hands, even Florence asks ‘Make a what?’ Correct response, lady. If a guy ever asks you to do this on a first date, run.

So yes, they hold hands in a bucket of white goop, make a cast of their hands, and their hands get stuck in a bucket together.

Once they clean all the Plaster of Paris from under their nails, they relax with the cheese and strawberries that nobody ever eats (I feel like this might be the same platter of plastic fruit and nibbles that is rolled out every date?), they chat about Flo’s wistful life in the Netherlands. Turns out all she’s ever wanted to do is live in Australia all her life. Flo also confesses that until the single date, she wasn’t even sure that she’d like Matty. Turns out yes she does, because he’s so stunning. (Her words, not mine.) Then they kiss, and Matty reaches under the obligatory blanket to pull out… tadaa, a rose!

Once our little Dutch girl returns grinning like the Cheshire Cat, to the mansion, we get a few camera shots of Cobie, who seems like she’s trying really hard to be happy for Florence. Guys, just so you know… this is the face I used to pull when my hairdresser used the streaking cap and crochet hook on me. Cobie is in serious pain, but trying to be polite.

Osher surprised the girls the next morning by dropping in a two-on-one date card, and the camera starts cutting to Liz and Jen. (Hey producers? A little suspense would go a long way.)

Sharlene suggests that everyone’s favourite (NOT AT ALL) Jen could be on the two-on-one date, and Jen retaliates with ‘Thanks for throwing me under the bus, babe’. As if Sharlene had any say in it. Twit.

Liz and Jen are listed, and we might as well all go to bed now. Predictable much?

Surprisingly, it’s Jen’s ally Leah who throws to camera and says what we’re all thinking… Jen is a master manipulator, and she’ll be ready to do whatever it takes to come home with a rose. It’s a Battle of the Rompers, as Jen turns on the charm and strikes early with a flirty quip about forming super special and loving friendships in the mansion, which will surprise all the ladies when they see this episode. Liz rarely cracks a smile, and accepts defeat early as soon as Matty mentions that they may not share a spark.

Finally we have a departing limo ride! But no tears.

When Jen hears the news from Matty, her gloaty little expression is too hard for her to hide. And I’m not sure even Matty believes her when she says, dripping sincerity, ‘I’m sad for Liz, but I’m very glad to hear that at the same time’.

Jen arrives back at the mansion with a rose, and the ladies are SHOCKED (and tired) to hear that Jen is the evening’s victor. She actually starts telling them all the traits that Matty likes about her, and when asked, implies they kissed. ‘Yeah nah, I’m not going to answer that one today.’ Yawn.

Since Jen has a rose and is safe, Sian decides to take Jen’s normal role and make it all about her. She’s drinking what I can only assume is sangria (red wine with fruit), and then states that she doesn’t care that she’s not getting any attention, but then cares enough to cry and slam the bathroom door on a producer.

Question: Whose bedroom is that? And why are grown women made to sleep on bunk beds?

Ah hah! My favourite part of reality TV… when the fourth wall is broken and we catch shots of the producers and showrunners begging contestants to come out of the manky bathroom to confess their insecurities to camera. Sian reckons she’s decided to leave because who knew being on a reality show would mean you’re followed around by cameras. The flanno-wearing and leopard-pant-clad producers manage to earn their stripes and Sian comes out, mascara a-runnin’, to speak to Matty in the driveway.

Sian: I need to leave.

Matty: It’s up to you. (I love that Matty doesn’t beg her to stay.)

Sian (face dropping into an EVEN MORE sullen expression when she realises he’s not begging): Oh. I’ll stay.

Who receives a rose:

Florence, Laura (who gets a rose during the cocktail party in a visit to the Secret Garden which we didn’t see on camera, why?), Jen, Tara, Sharlene, Leah, Elora.

Matty has a few roses left to give out, when shock horror, he puts a rose back down and we are given that dreaded dating-show fallback… the ‘To Be Continued’!

Who goes home:

Liz. I’m ok with this, because I saw no spark between them. I don’t expect we’ll see Liz on reality TV again, and she’ll fade graciously back into regular life, no holding up the bar at Flemington during Spring Carnival for this young lady!

My style pick of the evening:

Look, it’s not what I’d wear to a cocktail party, but I love Tara’s quirky Rose Noir skirt and bustier combo. It’s simple and fun, and she had me at stripes.

The Bachelor Recap, episode 4 and someone needs to get off her high horse

After recapping last night’s episode featuring Laura’s artistic but dull date, and the mayhem that was our trip through medieval dating etiquette, we see a few snippets of tonight’s show, and are led to believe that it’ll be a rollercoaster of emotion. Don’t get too excited, folks.

First things first, we don’t see the single date card handed out, so there’s no way for us to know if Jen and Leah are happy for Cobie. Wait, yes there is – of course they’re not. (Sidenote: 30 year old Cobie Frost is a coal plant operator from Brisbane, and I’m SHOCKED I TELL YOU that we haven’t seen her in high-vis gear yet. Also – I’m still waiting for proof that Cobie and Laura Dern aren’t the same person. I mean, has anyone seen them in the same room?)

Matty invites Cobie to a rainy Sydney Polo Club – the venue for the Polo World Championships later this year, which is where I imagine you’ll find all the beautiful Bachie rejects of seasons past, Instagramming themselves and enjoying the marquee action, if not the divot-stomping. Chukkas for the excellent cross-promotion, Matty. So yes, they’re going horse riding together for a romantic first date because riding damp horses through wet grass sounds like it wouldn’t aggravate my hayfever at all.

Cobie seems delighted when Matty turns up with a stallion (although how does one know if a horse is a stallion/gelding/mare/filly/colt if one was not brought up around horses?) and invites her to join him for a ride, which is not a euphemism. We don’t need to see the horse urinate, but the producers show us anyway… for almost 20 whole seconds. Nope.

Back at the mansion… Jen (who you’ll recall if you read my Episode 1 Recap, does not consider herself a jealous type) admits that she is 100% jealous that Cobie received a single date card, and says that she ate a whole spoonful of her feelings to cope. (Between you and me, I’m surprised she has enough feelings to even fill a spoon.)

Tara throws out a tired comment about how she eats her vegetables first before eating the schnitzel to suggest to the girls that perhaps Matty is saving the best for last, but it just makes me think about Tara dipped in a decent eggwash and crumbed in a delicious panko mixture.

After donning appropriate PPE, Matty helps Cobie mount up and then they walk/trot/eat/walk their way around the polo club grounds. Cobie seems to relax right into it, just in time for them to dismount and wash the horses? Call me crazy, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of activity I’d ever be dressed appropriately for on a date.

Cobie also describes the experience as one of the most ‘beautifulest’ experiences she’s ever been a part of. So there’s that.

They rinse the horses and themselves off, although Matty obviously wants to get to some more serious conversation with Cobie, as she keeps joking around. (Yup, that’d be the nerves, mate. You did it last season, remember?) Cut to the ladies back at the mansion surmising that Cobie will come home with a rose, but may get friend-zoned down the track.

After a short ad break (which mainly consists of spoilers for Channel Ten’s other reality juggernaut, Survivor), Matty and Cobie enter what one can only imagine is part of the fussy old gentlemen’s quarters at the polo club, and sip from prominently-placed Johnny Walker Black, which I’m guessing is the liquor of choice at the upcoming World Championships. (I’d also really like to know if Cobie is enjoying her drink. It looks like it.)

Cobie hasn’t dated for about two years, and she confesses it’s because she doesn’t want to get hurt by putting herself out there… so she applies for the Bachelor? Huh? The friend situation is brought up by Cobie who has been best friends with a previous partner, and Matty enjoys the more mature (probably drunker) version of Cobie.

Uh oh. She wrote him a poem. That’s right. Miss Cobie, who finds it difficult to open up and express her feelings writes them in a poem? Nope. But this pays off, because hiding under a musty Burberry blanket… is a rose – ta da! She claims to be nervous and persuades him to move halfway in for the kiss – I like it, because ain’t nobody got time for a cricked neck in a pash – and by my comprehensive Bachie notes, this was the longest kiss shown so far.

In her next throw to camera, Cobie claims to be more invested now, which I would’ve expected from any of the girls who have walked away from their jobs and lives to be on this show, so yes, you’re invested. You’re all dang invested.

The next day, in the interests of getting to know the girls on a more personal level (which one would argue is the entire point of the show), Matty turns up to invite the girls to enjoy a friendly round of Lifesize Bachelor Board Game, although Osher really is going to have to come up with a much catchier title if they want Hasbro or Mattel to vie for the rights for this.

Look, this game was advertised as high-drama, but in reality was rather dull so I’ll skip through the highlights for you.

• Osher is wearing an open mandarin-collar shirt, and is holding the kind of giant foam die that we use for Preppies’ PE classes.

• Like all good games where the outcome could be nookie, the rules seemed reasonably fluid – and I feel like the producers were also bored halfway through, and added a couple of twists and turns.

• Alix rolled a six, but then she didn’t get to roll again. THE HORROR. Have they never played a board game in ‘Straya before?

• Within the first few rolls, Simone got the opportunity to smash a banana cream pie in another girls’ face, and she inexplicably DIDN’T choose Leah. All of Australia got up to make a cup of tea because this was going nowhere in a hurry.

• Oh hahaha, Police Officer Michelle gets sent to jail, this is so clever! #stopit

• Cobie gets to choose between a kiss from Matty and moving forward three spaces and she chooses to advance in the game.

• Liz is compared to Simone during a simple swap-out play, but Liz fires back straight away that she’s a smarter version of Simone. (There’s obviously something going on between these two back at the mansion FOR SURE, but for some reason the producers aren’t showing us. Which makes me wonder what they think we want to watch?)

• Jen was pie-smashed by Steph, and then Jen turned that banana cream pie into something a little kinkier by rubbing it all over her chest and calling out for Matty. All of Australia put down their desserts and lost their appetites.

• Michelle wins, although there doesn’t seem to be a prize.

And now it’s cocktail party time, and disappointingly, none of the ladies turn up with banana cream pie in their hair.

Whilst she has a rose from her single date, Cobie didn’t take the opportunity to kiss Matty during the world’s most boring board game, and wants to explain to him that she regrets that decision, and the more fiery girls (Leah, Jen, yada yada) warn her off moving in for any one-on-one time.

Florence gives Matty a sexy Dutch lesson dressed as Britney circa 1998, but his Harry Potter specs and grammar school tie distract me from the learning of the Dutch, and we all know I like a sneaky language lesson. (See Episode 3 Recap for more info on my nerd-like ways.) Flo teaches him to ask ‘Will you accept this rose?’ in her native language, and we all know he’ll definitely trot that out at tonight’s rose ceremony.

Jen starts dropping f-bombs all over the place when Cobie interrupts Simone; but I’m preoccupied by Jen’s incredible Acropolis Now Effie impression. Girl can REALLY purse her lips.

Leah heads in to where Cobie and Matty are having a good chat, and actually says, ‘Playing devil’s advocate here, can I return you to the party?’ Cobie replied, ‘Actually, you can’t, I’ll return him to the party in two minutes’. All of Australia cheered.

Hey Leah, I wanna just let you know what it actually means to be a devil’s advocate. It’s when you are arguing against a cause or position, not as a committed opponent but simply for the sake of argument. The producers don’t need to paint you as a villain, you’re doing a top job all by yourself.

Laura defends Cobie, and infers that Leah is adding an implied tone to Cobie’s words; and Lisa defends Laura who defends Cobie, and I’m reminded why these three are my faves, both for Matty to find love, and for me to possibly hang out with in the future. They’re a pretty decent wolfpack.

As Matty returns to the group, we hear crickets. Like, the producers actually pipe in the sound of crickets chirping, which I think is just a magical touch.

Who receives a rose:

Tara, Florence, Elora, Michelle, Laura, Simone, Lisa, Alix, Natalie, Sian, Jennifer, Leah, Sharlene, Stephanie, Liz, Elise.

Who goes home:

Love coach Belinda, which is no surprise to anyone but her. And again we are robbed of the delights of a tearful limousine ride home.

My style pick of the evening:

Glamazon Laura wears this red bias Natalie Rolt dress so beautifully. It’s my style pick tonight not just because I adore the dress, but because there are only about 7 women on the planet who would look this amazing in such an unforgiving frock, and the other six are Victoria’s Secret Angels.

The Bachelor Recap, episode 3 and we’re in the Dark Ages

In fine Bachelor tradition, we open to beautiful women lounging around in a not-so-stylish mixture of pyjamas, beanies, floral frocks and full makeup. Thank goodness Osher arrives in the kind of cute khaki bomber jacket I’ve been looking for in a ladies’ size 14 all Winter, but I’ll forgive him as he delivers a date card for one of my favourite contestants, 30-year-old jewellery designer Laura.

Matty picks up Laura in a Bond-esque speedboat, and various Bachelor small talk is made – Sydney is beautiful, I feel so much freedom on the water, oh my GOODNESS yes that giant boat is where we’re headed, yada yada – before they recline and eat cheese and drink champagne on the front deck of a very large motor boat. Just like a million dates I’ve been on. Nothing special. (Jokes. My husband has better taste than that. We drink wine and eat cheese at home all the time – and when we go out, it’s for delicious ribs and risotto at a cool restaurant in Eumundi. No cheesy Euroyachts for us.)

Sidenote: When Laura slightly awkwardly bounds onto the speedboat from the dock, she said that she was graceful like a llama. I like her.

Back at the mansion, the girls are love-hating the group date card, because there’s only one thing worse than sharing Matty with 11 other girls, and that’s being left out of any possible catfights that could take place on said date.

Sharlene (or as Jennifer likes to call her ‘Miss Happy Pants’ which is incredibly misleading, as I see NO parachute pants here anywhere) announces that Cobie, Stephanie, Michelle, Akoulina, Ellora, Alix, Lisa, Belinda, Elise, Sharlene, Leah and Simone  are invited on the group date. Our mate Jennifer (not our mate.) seems delighted that her house BFF Leah and Simone might have to duel it out on this group date, and we are left to imagine that she’s going to be chillin’ back at the mansion, throwin’ curses and stirring toad’s legs and dragon’s blood into a simmering cauldron.


Matty flirts successfully with Laura as they settle in for a life-drawing moment by the harbour, although I’m sceptical that it’s actually Matty drawing as he is squinting directly into the sun behind Laura (until I see his drawing and realise that it was all him); and they settle into some very comfortable silence (surrounded by a production crew) which takes Laura straight to the top of my Bachie winner list.

What is with these girls? Laura is the second – after Ellora last week – to ask what Matty was thinking about while gazing into his eyes. HELLO? Are you in high school? Stop it. And then they kiss, to a soundtrack of violins, building to a sweeping crescendo (which sounded a lot like a local life insurance ad jingle which gave it a super romantic touch). Matty describes the kiss as ‘nice’ and is a little speechless afterwards, and gave Laura a rose for her kissing ability alone.

Osher whisks the group date ladies away to what looks like the local Abbey Medieval Fayre for a few sportin’ games for the wenches. Yuk. (Note, the term wench wasn’t used once in this entire episode, but it was implied. It was HEAVILY implied, y’all.)

We kick off the Renaissance fun with Ye Olde Piglet Catching competition for Cobie, Akoulina, Simone and Leah.

Before the producers agree to theme an entire group date again, can someone please talk to Osher about authenticity? Anyone who passed year 10 English should really know that the phrase ye olde is pronounced the old.  Originally, the English word ‘ye’ was spelled ‘þe.’ The symbol þ represents the letter thorn, a letter which died out in English. It had a sound somewhat similar to the Greek letter θ, which is a th- sound, so ‘þe’ is an early spelling of ‘the’. Over generations, the writing of þ changed, so that it looked like a different letter, wynn (ƿ), and eventually became indistinct from the letter y. It’s just substituted orthography, and you’re welcome. Back to the quality educational viewing and piglet-catching, right?

Matty demonstrates the correct porcine-capturing technique, and squeezes the meaty rump of that little piggy pretty much exactly the same way that I squeeze Trainee Mama‘s sweet twin babies’ thighs. Sorry Frankie and Evie, it looks painful when someone else does it.


Leah is quite the pig catcher and claims that if you want some sausages, you’re going to have to catch the pig. I feel like she might have that embroidered on a throw pillow on her bed. Both Leah and Cobie catch their poor terrified piglets and are headed through to the Royal Banquet to dine with Matty.

Lisa, Sharlene, Michelle and Belinda are selected to participate in the next classical game – a combination of Quoits and Sack-racing – to try to win a seat at the Royal Banquet. Now I’m no medieval history buff (well I am a little), but I’m not sure that sack racing in Nicaraguan organic fairtrade coffee bags  was a traditional sport for ladies of the gentry in Henry VIII’s time. As the ladies Easter-Bunny their way along the course to throw their quoits, I was struck by just how glamorous this show is. As Lisa said after she and Belinda win through to the Banquet, she has sweat in her neck, back and crack!


The final two spots at the Banquet table are up for grabs for Stephanie, Elise, Ellora and Alix, who hike their petticoats for a game of Medieval Football. Which is really just regular football but with a dilapidated-looking leather ball and no thugs with lead pipes down their trousers. Ellora brings all her Glamazon athleticism and aggression, and looks ready to take on a team of twenty men, but Alix and Elise play well together as a team (on The Bachelor, wot?) and win the final two places at the Royal Banquet table with King Matty.

They all awkwardly settle along one side of the table, and the wine flows. Leah’s effort to come across sweet and innocent after Matty invites her to dish on the drama is short-lived after she eggs Elise on to interrupt Alix and Matty – although Alix graciously stands up to allow Elise to enjoy her first proper one-on-one time.

Leah follows suit shortly and interrupts Elise before she’s really even had a moment to start a conversation with Matty, and Leah takes a seat in the garden. Cue the waterworks, and Leah cries into Matty’s shoulder over ‘who she is’ and how much this experience is so difficult for her caring heart, although she throws to camera and rates her acting ability as a 10/10. If Matty falls for that kind of rubbish again in future episodes, I’m guessing the whole of Australia will start throwing their popcorn at the screen!

Matty disappoints Leah by giving Alix the Group Date Rose.

Surprise Group Date Rose Ceremony
I’m thrilled that they’re still in their medieval get up for the Rose Ceremony, because who can get enough 1500s fashion? Not me, McGee.

Who receives roses:

Belinda, Cobie, Leah, Lisa, Stephanie, Sharlene, Michelle, Elise, Ellora, Simone.

Who goes home:

Akoulina. Look, I liked her. Do I think she was gonna be right for Matty? No. But was she here for the right reasons and make for decent tv, sure. I wish her well, and hope to see her in a Cirque du Soleil sometime soon.

Osher bids Akoulina farewell in his best elevator voice, and one of my least favourite things about this season is that we haven’t had any farewell-limousine videos yet. I feel like Akoulina would have nailed that, and we’ve been robbed.

My style pick of the evening:

Alix threw just the right amount of humour into her moments with Matty in the garden, asking if this dress makes her butt look big. Simple, but clever.

The Bachelor Recap, episode 2 and it’s all about Jennifer

After an elongated recap of the previous episode, we open to the ladies having already moved into the mansion and artfully lounging around the courtyard waiting… for what, we wonder? And here it comes, the first date card.

Ellora seems like a smart girl, but it is hard to trust the judgement of a girl wearing big ol’ chunky heels to walk along SAND. We’ll forgive her for that however, because she said she doesn’t mind if it rains on their first date – she seems pretty damn low-maintenance. Turns out Ellora is a teeny bit more exotic than we first thought, as she’s of French descent, was born and grew up in Tahiti, and has been living in Hawaii. (Not exactly a gold medal for diversity for the producers, but they tried.) The folks at Instax should be pretty happy with their product placement deal, as Matty snaps a sweet selfie of the two of them with the Instax Mini70 as a reminder of this moment (and I’m guessing to also sell to the Daily Mail about a week before the season finale, to really keep us guessing).

Meanwhile back at the mansion, Jennifer is calling Ellora a threat and warning both Leah and Sian that while she loves them (really?), she would walk all over them for Matty’s heart.

A group date card arrives at the mansion, and Jennifer delights in announcing that Cobie, Liz, one of her personal faves Sian, Laura, Florence, Tara, Simone, Natalie, Leah, and her good self are headed off to ‘remember the first time they fell in love’.


Ellora and Matty are gazing at each other, before playing an annoying high school game of ‘what are you thinking?’ and Ellora starts talking about the temperature in the room rising. I like you, girl;  but what on earth. This is dullsville. She then passes along a prompted question from the producers about how Matty is feeling about Georgia, and he gave a well-scripted answer designed to keep the peace in the Channel Ten stable. Wait, is Georgia still in the stable?

Matty is obviously concerned about ever having to move from Sydney, so he checks with Ellora that she doesn’t plan on travelling or moving on anytime soon, ignoring the fact that she throws the word ‘adventure’ into her answer. They trade a rose and a chaste kiss, and Ellora heads back to the mansion hoping to hide the fact that she’s head over heels by calling it ‘really real’.

Jennifer slugs a red wine, and proves herself to be incredibly jealous. (Remember Jennifer? She was the one who says that she’s not a jealous person.)

The group date takes the girls far away to a special location (the pool patio) to dress-up and enjoy a competitive fashion shoot for Women’s Day, which sounds to me like a special kind of hell. Also, who reads Women’s Day anymore? Seriously, are they not just reprinting early 90’s issues to bulk up the rubbish on medical centre coffee tables?

Florence prepares for her 80’s photo shoot with a lot of eyeshadow and some chewing gum in case of a sneaky pash; and Jennifer prepares by giving the other girls a LOT of grief about their hideous dresses before donning Straya’s ultimate non-sexy outfit – the red and yellow cap and rashie of our sunshine superheroes, volunteer lifesavers. Flo and Matty enjoyed great chemistry, before Jen jumped in the pool and tried to take over the shoot while the girls all side-eyed her.

Laura, Elizabeth, Natalie and Sian – the 80’s school formal shoot was fun and dorky and contained NO sexual tension, but Matty seemed to enjoy rocking the daggy dance moves with Laura. When Sian pulls out the Worm in her fuchsia sequin bubble dress, Matty seemed confused and impressed. Sian is officially friendzoned.

When Tara, Simone and Cobie come out wearing remnants of Glee’s cheer wardrobe, Matty’s little eyeballs almost explode; and when Simone gets some one-on-one time chatting to the man of the moment, Cobie is delighted as she’s not had many opportunities to talk to Matty while Leah (our resident show-off) rants about how Simone just wants to be the centre of attention.

When the photo shoot groups were announced, Leah terrified Matty by announcing that yes, THIS is happening; and then terrified the girls by wearing a Bad-Sandy outfit – leather leggings and jacket and all. the. blonde. curls. Matty delights everyone by pulling away from Leah as she moves in for a kiss, although she doesn’t seem self-aware enough to know he was REALLY off it.

The next day, Matty arrives at the mansion unexpectedly in a spunky little vintage sports car (which is much too small for two tall people) to take Lisa for a game of tennis; and she certainly dresses to impress in a country-club worthy white outfit. After about eleventy million lost serves, Matty listens to 12 seconds of Lisa’s coaching suggestions and aces it. A friendly game with a kiss and some Pimms at stake ends with Lisa giving a pity cheek kiss, and Matty looking around for some medical assistance and a solution to his clicking elbow (not a sound you ever need to hear on a dating show, BTW).

Lisa should feel robbed by the strawberries and Pimms promise, as there were obviously bikini strings attached – feeding each other whipped cream in the pool looked WAY less romantic than I think Matty had hope for. To remind us that we’re all here to find love, the traditional ‘What are you looking for in a partner’ conversation ensued, with the date rose given to Lisa, so she’s still a frontrunner.

And to the cocktail party… Jennifer starts by eating her feelings again and stating that Matty isn’t just there for the taking (has she seen this show before?), Florence reveals ALL THE LEG, and Leah turns as green as her dress as Ellora swoops in to take Matty for a chat and a kiss, even though she’s safe and holding a rose. Ellora keeps it clean, and says to Jennifer ‘I don’t think you’re very nice’, and somehow Jen manages to sound like she believes herself when she claims to be a bright and vibrant person. What?

Who receives roses:

Cobie, Alix (who is even taller than Lisa), Simone, Laura, Akoulina, Elise, Michelle, Sian, Elizabeth, Florence, Stephanie, Tara, Jennifer, Sharlene, Belinda, Natalie, Leah.

Who goes home:

Sweet Laura-Ann. I’m disappointed because she seemed like a closet party animal and that Italian fire just never got lit.

My style picks of the evening:

Lisa again, in this bombshell Wheels and Dollbaby rose gold sequin dress

Simone in this J’adore two piece was stunning, and hello abs! She could give Matty a run for his money with the whole washboard stomach situation.

I feel like I’m already choosing favourites, even though I know I should wait a little longer to commit my heart to one contestant. (Hang on, I feel like Matty should do the same!) And is it just me, or is Jennifer’s jealousy too painful already?

The Bachelor (and the recaps) begin

Wow. Talk about a smorgasbord of copy-paste women. I am certainly not rubbishing their good looks, but merely noting that indeed, they all look good. And they all look the same. It’s like when you go to a fancy ice-cream store which has 35 different versions of the same flavour – that’s what it’s like to be the Bachelor.

Last night on the Bachelor premiere, Matty J (who according to Bachelor Nation is now just Matty) walked into a virtual ice-cream store of women. Each seemed sweet enough at first blush, but once you actually take a scoop, there were more than a few nuts in the group.

But before we get to the ladies, we’re introduced to Matty, the handsome, incredibly popular runner up of last season’s Bachelorette. He’s 30, works in marketing, lives in Sydney and has really been working on his slow-motion beach-showering skills, not to mention the distance-gazing. He nails that.

First, we meet Matt’s mum, who looks like she makes a mean avocado salad; and his cute round nephew, which is obviously meant to tug at all the heartstrings of all the ladies. (Disclaimer, my strings were not tugged by this scene.) Then Matt suits up and jumps in the limo to head to the fairy-lit and fake-flower-bombed mansion, to get some last minute advice from Australia’s favourite VJ, Andrew G Osher Günsberg.

Osher is all, ‘blah blah blah,’ and I’m all ‘bring on the ladies!’ because I don’t care about the pep talk, ever. Then, like a gift from the Bachelor Gods, my prayers are answered in the form of Osher announcing that the first limo is about to arrive. Out steps Alix with an i, a very tall body painter who looks like she got a little tangled in her stunning wrappy-strappy-type frock. There’s some good eye contact, and she blushes appropriately.

Next is no-filter Tara, a 27 year old nanny who says ‘kids get attracted to me’, calls Matty ‘mate’ and forgets which side of her HEAD her tattoo is on. She says she wants a guy who is chilled and relaxed, but already seems like she’s high maintenance. Next!

I am surprised by pretty Sydney jewellery designer Laura’s outfit choice, her khaki two piece is spectacular, but in the hands of a less statuesque woman, could have come off all Steve Irwin. Speaking of hands, Laura jammed one of her rings (she designs jewellery, remember) on Matty’s hand, and I am just imagining the poor intern who was tasked with a midnight olive oil run to the local 7/11 to lubricate the offending finger and get that off!

Cobie, coal plant operator, helium balloons – perfect! ‘I just thought it would be funny!’ Well played, Cobie. I think she’s a delight.

Laura-Ann’s Mediterranean ovaries were tingling from nerves? She’s a Bachelor tragic, for sure.

Now comes the crazy that we’ve all been waiting for. 26 year old midwife Natalie gets out of the limo and proceeds to tell Matty that she has been stalking him over social media, which isn’t creepy at all. I’m interested to see if the producers cast her as the villain or the desperado. (You just know they’ll pick one and stick to it.)

Sergeant Michelle shows up with her sirens on, and makes Matty more nervous than you’d expect from a bloke who’s been arrested for peeing in the bushes outside the cricket. (All I have to say about that is, what about the ladies’ line at the cricket… it’s even worse!)  I’d like to hope that he won’t need a quick slash in the mansion garden, because there’s a fair chance he’d get electrocuted by the extensive number of power boards rigged up under the hydrangeas for all those twinkle lights.

Love coach Belinda manages to make a minute feel like ten, and brought along her kitchen egg timer. Next!

Florence arrived in Dutch orange, with clogs – I thought it was sweet. Also, I would like to learn to tie ribbon like that.

Ribbons, ah ribbons. Akoulina showed up barefoot in blue eyeshadow (don’t worry, that’s not all she was wearing) and proceeded to make little 7 year old Katy’s dreams come true. 8 year old Katy quit gymnastics after one term, so there’s that.

Now we have an entrance. With one shy look from under her gorgeous locks, 24 year old Lisa has my heart, and Matty’s too. It turns out that while they’re flirting beautifully, we discover that they are both height-discriminatory, and were terrified of meeting someone short. I can forgive them, because they’re just so pretty together.

Bold as brass Leah unsubtly tells us that she’s the full package. Then insults Matty’s style by messing up his hair, then rolls about five sexual inuendos into one big mess, and I fear that Matty likes it. Entering the mansion, Leah ignores all the girls who get up to greet her, in her efforts to ‘go meet the girls’. Her announcement that ‘This place is beautiful’ as she’s doing a full spin for all to check out her EVERYTHING makes heads turn and tongues start wagging.

Osher kicks off the cocktail party with another pep talk, then the champagne starts flowing, in those signature red flutes. He also opens the gates to the Secret Garden, an alone-time paradise in the mansion grounds. (Let’s leave the Secret Lady Garden chat for another recap, eh?)

Matty makes the rounds, starting off by taking khaki-clad Laura for a stroll. Jennifer (a Georgia Love-lookalike), makes barbed remarks about Laura looking a lot like Georgia Love.

Is that another girl? Is that another girl? Ladies, let me tell you that arriving on opening night does not make her an intruder, she’s just a little late to the party. Join in Ellora! Bring your kerosene, and let’s heat things up! I like Ellora, and she seems like a breath of fresh Tahitian air.

Jennifer, your attitude in your ‘to camera’ pieces is absolutely jealous, so please don’t deny your envious tendencies. Jen moved in to ‘cut Ellora’s grass’ just as Ellora mentioned her dog, which I find INCREDIBLY rude. (Producers, can we please have headshots of the contestant’s pets as well? I find it much easier to get to know your ladies, and support them wholeheartedly, when I know they are dog-people.)

And now everyone is slurring their words, which means that when Elizabeth calls Jennifer’s dress ‘putrid’, it sounds like a fabulous French cheese.

Here’s all you need to know about the rest of the cocktail party. For the remainder of the hour, the ladies try to endear themselves to Matty whilst cutting a lot of grass, and Jennifer continues to prove that she’s the kind of girl who will ruin every party because nobody is paying enough attention to her. Take it from someone who works in a school with teenagers AND has worked in female dominated workplaces all my life, those kind of girls don’t get ahead in life.

Natalie ‘gets loose’ and puts on quite the show of daggy dancing, before cocking a leg and lets one go. This obviously peps Jennifer right up, and she’s all smiles again. (See, everyone likes a fart joke.)

It turns out Elizabeth meant nothing by the putrid comment, yet Jennifer won’t let it go.

Surprisingly, the firecracker-looking Italian-Maltese Laura-Ann stays clear of drama, and manages to keep her obviously thick and wavy locks well under control as well as her temper.

Lisa gets the first visit to the Secret Garden, where Matty asks ‘How your night going?’ As if he doesn’t know that it’s been about 10 hours of filming the same shots over and over again. They bond over being ridiculously good-looking, yet charming and affable and uncomfortable with compliments.

After a last whip through the hordes of ladies, Matty presents the First Impression rose to Sergeant Michelle. She accepts graciously, and the tension rises amongst the cattier and drunker ladies.

Photo credit: Channel Ten

Who receives a rose:

Lisa – obviously, Laura – obviously, Alix, Ellora, Cobie, Elise, Tara, Simone, Laura-Ann, Akoulina, Leah, Sian, Dutch Florence, Stephanie, Crazy Natalie, Belinda, Jennifer, Sharlene, Elizabeth.

Who goes home:

Monica and Stacey. A real shame because I’m always going to root for the girl who takes her pageant sash wherever she goes. And Monica had a real gorgeous Bond Girl vibe going on.

My style picks of the evening:

Lisa’s stunning caped neon red jumpsuit from Rose Noir

Monica’s one shoulder Zachary the Label gown – such a gorgeous colour on her

Ok, ‘fess up. Who else is watching this season’s Bachelor, even after swearing that they’d give it up?