Wow. Talk about a smorgasbord of copy-paste women. I am certainly not rubbishing their good looks, but merely noting that indeed, they all look good. And they all look the same. It’s like when you go to a fancy ice-cream store which has 35 different versions of the same flavour – that’s what it’s like to be the Bachelor.
Last night on the Bachelor premiere, Matty J (who according to Bachelor Nation is now just Matty) walked into a virtual ice-cream store of women. Each seemed sweet enough at first blush, but once you actually take a scoop, there were more than a few nuts in the group.
But before we get to the ladies, we’re introduced to Matty, the handsome, incredibly popular runner up of last season’s Bachelorette. He’s 30, works in marketing, lives in Sydney and has really been working on his slow-motion beach-showering skills, not to mention the distance-gazing. He nails that.
First, we meet Matt’s mum, who looks like she makes a mean avocado salad; and his cute round nephew, which is obviously meant to tug at all the heartstrings of all the ladies. (Disclaimer, my strings were not tugged by this scene.) Then Matt suits up and jumps in the limo to head to the fairy-lit and fake-flower-bombed mansion, to get some last minute advice from Australia’s favourite VJ, Andrew G Osher Günsberg.
Osher is all, ‘blah blah blah,’ and I’m all ‘bring on the ladies!’ because I don’t care about the pep talk, ever. Then, like a gift from the Bachelor Gods, my prayers are answered in the form of Osher announcing that the first limo is about to arrive. Out steps Alix with an i, a very tall body painter who looks like she got a little tangled in her stunning wrappy-strappy-type frock. There’s some good eye contact, and she blushes appropriately.
Next is no-filter Tara, a 27 year old nanny who says ‘kids get attracted to me’, calls Matty ‘mate’ and forgets which side of her HEAD her tattoo is on. She says she wants a guy who is chilled and relaxed, but already seems like she’s high maintenance. Next!
I am surprised by pretty Sydney jewellery designer Laura’s outfit choice, her khaki two piece is spectacular, but in the hands of a less statuesque woman, could have come off all Steve Irwin. Speaking of hands, Laura jammed one of her rings (she designs jewellery, remember) on Matty’s hand, and I am just imagining the poor intern who was tasked with a midnight olive oil run to the local 7/11 to lubricate the offending finger and get that off!
Cobie, coal plant operator, helium balloons – perfect! ‘I just thought it would be funny!’ Well played, Cobie. I think she’s a delight.
Laura-Ann’s Mediterranean ovaries were tingling from nerves? She’s a Bachelor tragic, for sure.
Now comes the crazy that we’ve all been waiting for. 26 year old midwife Natalie gets out of the limo and proceeds to tell Matty that she has been stalking him over social media, which isn’t creepy at all. I’m interested to see if the producers cast her as the villain or the desperado. (You just know they’ll pick one and stick to it.)
Sergeant Michelle shows up with her sirens on, and makes Matty more nervous than you’d expect from a bloke who’s been arrested for peeing in the bushes outside the cricket. (All I have to say about that is, what about the ladies’ line at the cricket… it’s even worse!) I’d like to hope that he won’t need a quick slash in the mansion garden, because there’s a fair chance he’d get electrocuted by the extensive number of power boards rigged up under the hydrangeas for all those twinkle lights.
Love coach Belinda manages to make a minute feel like ten, and brought along her kitchen egg timer. Next!
Florence arrived in Dutch orange, with clogs – I thought it was sweet. Also, I would like to learn to tie ribbon like that.
Ribbons, ah ribbons. Akoulina showed up barefoot in blue eyeshadow (don’t worry, that’s not all she was wearing) and proceeded to make little 7 year old Katy’s dreams come true. 8 year old Katy quit gymnastics after one term, so there’s that.
Now we have an entrance. With one shy look from under her gorgeous locks, 24 year old Lisa has my heart, and Matty’s too. It turns out that while they’re flirting beautifully, we discover that they are both height-discriminatory, and were terrified of meeting someone short. I can forgive them, because they’re just so pretty together.
Bold as brass Leah unsubtly tells us that she’s the full package. Then insults Matty’s style by messing up his hair, then rolls about five sexual inuendos into one big mess, and I fear that Matty likes it. Entering the mansion, Leah ignores all the girls who get up to greet her, in her efforts to ‘go meet the girls’. Her announcement that ‘This place is beautiful’ as she’s doing a full spin for all to check out her EVERYTHING makes heads turn and tongues start wagging.
Osher kicks off the cocktail party with another pep talk, then the champagne starts flowing, in those signature red flutes. He also opens the gates to the Secret Garden, an alone-time paradise in the mansion grounds. (Let’s leave the Secret Lady Garden chat for another recap, eh?)
Matty makes the rounds, starting off by taking khaki-clad Laura for a stroll. Jennifer (a Georgia Love-lookalike), makes barbed remarks about Laura looking a lot like Georgia Love.
Is that another girl? Is that another girl? Ladies, let me tell you that arriving on opening night does not make her an intruder, she’s just a little late to the party. Join in Ellora! Bring your kerosene, and let’s heat things up! I like Ellora, and she seems like a breath of fresh Tahitian air.
Jennifer, your attitude in your ‘to camera’ pieces is absolutely jealous, so please don’t deny your envious tendencies. Jen moved in to ‘cut Ellora’s grass’ just as Ellora mentioned her dog, which I find INCREDIBLY rude. (Producers, can we please have headshots of the contestant’s pets as well? I find it much easier to get to know your ladies, and support them wholeheartedly, when I know they are dog-people.)
And now everyone is slurring their words, which means that when Elizabeth calls Jennifer’s dress ‘putrid’, it sounds like a fabulous French cheese.
Here’s all you need to know about the rest of the cocktail party. For the remainder of the hour, the ladies try to endear themselves to Matty whilst cutting a lot of grass, and Jennifer continues to prove that she’s the kind of girl who will ruin every party because nobody is paying enough attention to her. Take it from someone who works in a school with teenagers AND has worked in female dominated workplaces all my life, those kind of girls don’t get ahead in life.
Natalie ‘gets loose’ and puts on quite the show of daggy dancing, before cocking a leg and lets one go. This obviously peps Jennifer right up, and she’s all smiles again. (See, everyone likes a fart joke.)
It turns out Elizabeth meant nothing by the putrid comment, yet Jennifer won’t let it go.
Surprisingly, the firecracker-looking Italian-Maltese Laura-Ann stays clear of drama, and manages to keep her obviously thick and wavy locks well under control as well as her temper.
Lisa gets the first visit to the Secret Garden, where Matty asks ‘How your night going?’ As if he doesn’t know that it’s been about 10 hours of filming the same shots over and over again. They bond over being ridiculously good-looking, yet charming and affable and uncomfortable with compliments.
After a last whip through the hordes of ladies, Matty presents the First Impression rose to Sergeant Michelle. She accepts graciously, and the tension rises amongst the cattier and drunker ladies.
Photo credit: Channel Ten
Who receives a rose:
Lisa – obviously, Laura – obviously, Alix, Ellora, Cobie, Elise, Tara, Simone, Laura-Ann, Akoulina, Leah, Sian, Dutch Florence, Stephanie, Crazy Natalie, Belinda, Jennifer, Sharlene, Elizabeth.
Who goes home:
Monica and Stacey. A real shame because I’m always going to root for the girl who takes her pageant sash wherever she goes. And Monica had a real gorgeous Bond Girl vibe going on.
My style picks of the evening:
Lisa’s stunning caped neon red jumpsuit from Rose Noir
Monica’s one shoulder Zachary the Label gown – such a gorgeous colour on her
Ok, ‘fess up. Who else is watching this season’s Bachelor, even after swearing that they’d give it up?