Osher welcome us to the stunning and romantic islands of the Kingdom of Thailand, and reminds us that just two girls remain. Math is not my strong point, so I’m super-appreciative for the memo.

We watch Matty board the Air Asia plane, and he ponders the time he’s spent with each girl as he gazes out the window on the Tarmac. Not for the last time, were told that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make.

(Anyone else wondering if Elise and Laura are seated next to each other on the plane?)

Before either of the girls show up, Matty had some alone time with his family. I want to take a minute to point out here that I know not everybody is a fan of Matty. I certainly wasn’t at the start of the season, but I think he’s a genuine guy looking for love (or at least a hot date for this year’s Spring Racing Carnival).

 

Elise arrives and greets the family (Matty’s mum and brothers) really warmly, makes small talk and discovers that Matty’s mum Ellie played hockey back in the day. Brother Tom takes Elise aside and immediately grills her, more intensely than most job interviews I’ve been on! His first question is the incredibly rude ‘how many lovers have you had?’ – WHAT THE ACTUAL? Elise handles herself well with Tom, and is comfortable sharing her love of family. Matty’s mum Ellie enjoys Elise’s gentle, warm and vibrant nature, and even offers up any of her other three sons if Matty doesn’t choose Elise in the final Rose ceremony.

Laura has a hard act to follow after the family’s love fest with Elise and she feels the pressure early on, and fills all the available space with words. All the space.

She doesn’t let any of Matty’s family get a word in, and when Matty goes she speak, she even talks over him! Brother Tom picks up on her nerves and decides to home in on her weaknesses, comparing Laura’s driven independence and lack of hobbies to Elise’s well-rounded and more stable life.

After chatting with Laura, Mum Ellie says Laura is articulate, what? Are watching the same girl?

Matty gets no clear guidance from his family, and whilst Elise seems to fit in the best, Mum seems won over by Laura’s clumsy efforts to impress.

For their last date, Matty meets Elise on a huge motor cruiser on the Andaman sea, under a grey and threatening sky. He tells her how delighted he was to see her fit in so well with his family, and she’s says that she loves him, he confuses it as a cue for ‘I want to make out’. I hate it when that happens.

They paddle to a deserted island beach, and more sharing follows, surrounded by the trappings of a tropical picnic, before they take a dip. As they spend the evening together, Elise voices her concerns about it possibly being their last night together, and Matty kisses her again – and says nothing to ease her worries. Mate, you can give a LITTLE. Ben Flajnik actually told girls he loved them on the US Bachelor, so it’s not impossible.

 

Laura is thrilled that their final date is a scenic helicopter ride, and they fly into the mist over the Thai jungle, over the beautiful limestone islands and brightly floating fishing villages, to land at an elephant sanctuary.

As Matty is explaining about the rescued elephant fasai, Laura interrupts him – stop it, girl! They give Fasai a wash, and then passionately kiss in the water RIGHT NEXT TO THE ELEPHANT. NOPE. If it’s not culturally insensitive, at the very least it’s putting them at risk of dysentery.

They’re then punted down the river on a bamboo raft as it rains, and Laura doesn’t stop laughing. Not once. Australia is bored of Laura’s laugh, for sure.

I’d really like to know who was in charge of shipping all the fairy lights to Thailand, because they are everywhere in the garden where Matty takes Laura to lay on a daybed and kiss. Honestly, it’s gotta be a fulltime job in the props team.

We watch both the girls get ready for the final Rose Ceremony, and not a soul is surprised by Laura’s choice of a creamy white beaded crop top and maxi skirt combo. Elise reverts to her first-night style, wearing a glittery gown with a train and a thigh-high split.

Matty slowly does his shirt buttons up, very VERY slowly, and keeps checkIng the Larsen engagement ring box in his pocket, before meeting Osher at the petal-strewn garden terrace where the ceremony will take place.

Osher asks what’s different about him since that first night back at the mansion, and Matty replies that he’s now in love. Nawww. Fortunately it’s not lost on Matty that he’s been on the receiving end of this position before, and doesn’t want to hurt the girl hasn’t won his heart.

The first girl out of the boat onto the beach is Elise. (Remember, if you’ve ever watched the show before, you know that being the first out of the limo/boat/seaplane/train/tandem bike on finale day isn’t a good thing.)

The second Elise walks up to him, he looks like he is going to vomit. And Elise can tell that she’s not the one.

He reminisces about the first night they met, and how their slow start gave them a great foundation, and tells her that she is incredibly worthy of finding true love, but it’s not with him. She thanks him for the journey, and wishes him well.

Elise leaves with dignity intact, and quietly and tearfully wonders if it was worth the risk, and you just know that her dad is gonna be calling Matty up for a quiet word.

Laura is next to step barefoot out of the boat and briefly speaks to Osher about her thoughts and fears before walking up to the garden terrace.

The minute he sees her, Matty’s face lights up, but manages to put her off the scent. He confesses that he loves her, and Laura is shocked and surprised that he’s not sending her home. He asks for her RIGHT hand, and gives her a whopping great diamond PROMISE ring.

Sidenote: I feel like the eclectic jewellery designer might want something a little more unique than a diamond solitaire (not me, mate – I love my solo stone), perhaps a pear morganite?

And that’s a wrap on this season, and I am both glad it’s over and slightly resentful that wasted so much time and stuck it out. Thanks for joining me, folks.

Here’s hoping Sophie Monk’s Bachelorette season is more entertaining. At the very least, there’s more eye candy for us all!

We’re getting to the pointy end of the dullest season ever, and with three girls left, it’s time for Matty to whittle it down to a final two.

The Bachelor producers checked their notes and realised we haven’t seen much of Matty’s abs for a few episodes, so we open to a shirtless Bachelor pondering his three ladies while wistfully looking out to the ocean.

Fortuitously, Laura is also standing by the beach, contemplating how much she should tell Matty about her feelings for him, when he pulls up in a convertible Cobra, wearing a regrettable shearling and denim jacket.

Laura seems delighted when Matty pulls up at a headland and tells her that they’re going to jump off a cliff go paragliding. Because that’s exactly what we all want to do when we’re trying to decide who we want to spend the rest of our life with! (Not at all… I would like to chat and find out what their bathroom cupboard looks like, and maybe chat about whether Vegemite belongs in the pantry or the fridge. Priorities, folks.)

As they fly through the sky, whirling across the water, Laura and Matty both squeal and holler, getting more and more close emotionally (again, that’s sarcasm, people).

After their adventure in the sky, Matty takes Laura to a fairy-lit garden to chat, and presents her with a sketched portrait of her that he’s been working on. Anyone else sceptical? It’s no Archibald Prize entry, but its eons ahead of his last effort.

Laura is moved by the gesture and opens up to Matty, telling him that she’s definitely falling for him, and he reciprocates with a long kiss.

Matty rides in the engine of a steam train to meet Elise at Thirlmere Station, and greets her as if he’s returning from war, scooping her around the waist and pulling her in close. All the romantic feels, folks. Except it’s more friendly fun, less fiery passion.

They talk and kiss for the entire afternoon train ride out to the campfire, where we’re mercifully spared the fairylights and silk flowers, and instead the area is lit by the flickering campfire and plenty of lamps. Matty pulls out a giant bowl of marshmallows, which may well be the highlight of the episode for me.

Again, the conversation quickly turns to how much Elise cares for Matty, and she also shares that she can see a future for them, and even more importantly, she’s falling in love with him. Yes, she’s the first to say ‘falling in love’!

Tara’s date kicks off with a seaplane, and yep, she runs down the pontoon and hollers ‘Oh sick! Matty and a seaplane, my two favourite things!’ Really, Tara? They’re your favourite things? (I would argue that she’s never met my puppy and eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.)

They take a scenic flight around Sydney Harbour, before landing in the water and disembarking onto a yacht to watch the sunset and drink champagne. Just a standard Bachelor date, really.

The producers return to the fairy lit scenario, with Matty and Tara smashing another cheese platter before Tara confesses her deep affection for Matty. Matty shares that he can’t imagine saying goodbye to Tara, leaving us thinking that it’s got to be the late favourite Elise going home tonight.

The last rose ceremony in the mansion brings out Osher’s golden vocals, and he huskily-whispers that Matty only has two roses to hand out tonight.

Who receives roses:

Laura and Elise.

Who goes home:

Tara. The GC nanny who called Matty ‘mate’ on their first date, Tarz is a fan favourite who will definitely be in the running for future Bachelorette series. As Matty walks her to the limo, he reminisces on their fun time together, and his voice cracks as he bids her goodbye. If Matty chooses who the Daily Mail reports he chooses, then he is going to regret saying goodbye to Tara!

Style pick:

Tara brings the Gold Coast’s blingy reputation to the mansion in this sequinned Ziolkowski gown – and there’s no mistaking this golden girl for a meter maid!

This episode has a VERY speedy feel to it, with fewer throws to camera and group chats between the women, waiting for something to happen. Straight away, all the women are on the evening’s first group date, which is all about self awareness, and fittingly they’re all competing to win a date with Matty to go watch the most self aware man on Twitter, James Blunt. (Seriously, even if you don’t like his music, follow him. He’s a salty delight.) Let’s not forget, it’s in the Nova Red Room. In case you were wonderful which radio station will be getting the Bachelor exclusives.

Matty asks some questions based on how the girls like to think of themselves, and the ladies rank themselves.

Who is the funniest (in order): Tara, Florence, Elise, Cobie,  Laura, Elora
Who is the most down to earth – Elise and Elora battle it out for top spot, as the girls remind Elora that being a spiritual sage-burning hippie doesn’t make you down to earth.
Adventurous – again, Elora refuses to budge for Florence in the top spot.
Positive – Cobie is given this honour, with no questions asked.
Honest – Florence jumps straight to the top, for her no-holds-barred attitude.
Considerate – Elora refused to even state her case, which ironically meant that Laura and Florence considerately moved down a step to be lower on the compromise ladder.

With Laura and Tara out after this round, the remaining four ladies have to go through a list of deal breakers and choose the relationship deal breakers most important to themselves, to match to Matty’s top five deal breakers, which are:
Not wanting to have children
Cheating
Lying
Stubbornness
Bad manners

With a draw between Elora, Elise and Florence, Matty announces his tie-breaker deal dreaker – being incompatible in the bedroom.  Florence is out, and both Elora and Elise move through to the next round, where they need to write declarations of what they’re after in a relationship and read them out to Matty in a mock wedding ceremony room, with the remaining girls watching on from the Bachelor mansion.

Elise’s heartfelt wishlist is moving and honest, and she shares about her desire for a family man, a best friend, and a partner to walk in life with. The ladies watching on are moved as well, and it’s a stark contrast to Elora’s very intense and confident vows, all about spice and passion and being lovers. She’s got one thing on her mind, for sure.

Matty really connects with Elise’s sweet declaration, and invites her to the special Blunty concert, but first they enjoy a chat about vulnerability, and Matty has the upcoming hometown dates on his mind. Having already met and enjoyed time with Elise’s dad, Matty obviously wants to get in on their Mexican Christmas dress-up parties.

James comes in and turns out that Matty and James are on first name terms, which sounds as awkward as it looks. Matty and Elise kiss and sweet James sneaks off to leave them alone to pash, in a room full of musicians and cameramen and lighting techs and producers. But the gesture is nice, so there’s that.

For the episode’s single date, Matty really wants to get to know Cobie more intimately and move past the friend-zone, so he invites her to join him on a high ropes course. What? She’s scared of heights, which of course Matty and the producers didn’t know when they planned this date.

Even though she’s obviously nervous, Cobie doesn’t fall into the frightened squealing and ‘I’m so scared’ trap rubbish that so many Bachelor contestants thrown into a safety harness have succumbed to, and she and Matty climb down from the trees to enjoy a fruit platter and cider together. As she’s previously shared, Cobie expresses that she’s terrified of falling for Matty. A producer just off screen prompts her to open up and declare her intentions, just before Matty lets her down gently.

Poor Cobie, she doesnt see it coming, and Matty lets her know that he just doesn’t feel a spark between them. Cobie leaves upset but certainly doesn’t embarrass herself by begging or blubbering. Atta girl. (It’s how the girls leave that really gains my respect.)

As the girls wait (reclining glamorously) for Matty and Cobie to return, Osher arrives to let them know that Matty has sent her home directly from their date.

Elora expresses shock and sadness about the Cobie situation (which actually is a big fat lie, she’s delighted), and the rest of the ladies are speechless, especially when they hear that there will be no cocktail party and the rose ceremony will take place imminently.

Who receives roses:

Elise, Tara, Laura and Florence

Who goes home:

Elora. And my word, the goodbyes are more dramatic than previous weeks. Matty wisely uses the ‘I want you to be free’ excuse, which I’m guessing most midriff-baring, abrasive, Tahitian fire-twirlers have been on the receiving end of before, and which is also probably code for ‘you’re not really the kind of girl I could take home to meet my family’.

(Also, Tara whispers to Elora just after he picks Florence, ‘It’s ok’, which delights all of the internet. Is that a withering glance we see there, Tara?)

Style pick:

It’s such a shame that the rose ceremony is so short and sweet, most of the girls really look smokin’ hot tonight. Tara’s lace Asilio jumpsuit definitely deserves more airtime!

Rumour mill: The internet has been abuzz all week with production-leaked gossip that Matty and Elora DID spend the evening together in the eco-cabin on their second date together, which certainly makes this episode more interesting. It would also explain why Elora was so shocked that Matty wouldn’t kiss her at last week’s cocktail party!

Thoughts on Elora and her departure?

 

‘Can you actually believe that there’s only seven of us left?’, asks Lisa. Yes Lisa, yes we can. This season actually feels like it started back in 1998, all the single eliminations are wearing thin, and all of Australia is ready for a big cull. Osher enters wearing a maroon bomber, talking about hometown visits, and pulls out a a single date card.

The date card reads ‘Last time we fell for one another, let’s now take things to new heights’, and all eyes are on our little Dutch girl as her previous single date started with rappelling from a tall building.

It turns out that the producers haven’t spent ALL the budget on Moroccan lamps, as Matty flies in and picks up Florence up in a helicopter, for a scenic flight over Sydney, to a lavender garden with two pottery wheels. (Real life, right. I go to those places all the time.)

As they throw clay and Matty uses his surprising pottery experience (he was a potter from age 6-12, and even won a couple of awards), we have an almost-Ghost moment, as Matty slides in behind Florence to help her with her vase. I’m guessing the budget couldn’t stretch to paying royalties to use the Righteous Brothers’ Unchained Melody’, as the soundtrack for this special moment is provided by the usual Bachelor violin quartet.

Thanks to the Bachelor prop team, there’s a couch in the bush – an actual couch – and there’s definitely a lot of chemistry as they chat about their clay-time. Florence admits to having feelings growing for Matty, and he shares that he really admires her honesty and fearlessness.

Here it comes, the kiss and rose. Although where’s the Bachelor rose blanket? Matty is distracted Florence from the blanket by asking her to fetch him a fig from the fruit platter.

The following day, our seven remaining ladies all turn up to the group date in activewear, and Elora’s boxing braids show she means business – especially if the opportunity arises for her to get rough with Matty. Also, there’s a LOT of midriff.

Osher invites the girls to write their fears about falling in love on a timber board, and then they meet Michael, a boxing coach and take out some of their frustrations. Even without Osher’s generous introduction, we can guess that Michael has a history of boxing, the poor fellow has the classic cauliflower ears going on.

One by one, the girls take jabs at each other and at Matty, and Lisa manages to get in a low blow, knocking Matty to the ground. An excuse to get close and wrestle him? Of course it is.

As Michael demonstrates, the girls are going to punch through the timber they’ve written their fears on, to help them symbolically move past those fears. Cobie volunteers to go first, and reading her personal thoughts out loud brings her to tears, before she smashes through her board.

One by one, the girls smash through their timber, and Matty is moved by Tara’s honesty and picks her for a one on one date. They head to the city for a night on a rooftop with a personal chef who makes them fresh Pad Thai, and I’m stoked to finally be watching a date that looks closer to a real date. (Also, we’ve swapped out the Moroccan lamps for Asian red paper shades, which is a lovely change.) Tara shares that she’s keen as a bean to take Matty home to meet the family, and I’m sure I’m not the only girl who reckons that Christmas lunch at Tara’s house would be a hoot!

At the cocktail party, Matty takes Cobie for a chat in the Secret Garden and he surprises her with a Rose, and thanks her for opening up and sharing her vulnerability during the group date.

Elora sees this as a challenge, and whisks Matty away for a chat, then tries to steal a sneaky pash at the cocktail party – which Matty turns down… making him the first Bachelor in television history to turn down any kind of sexytime action.

Who receives roses:

Florence, Cobie, Tara, Elise, Laura and Elora

Who goes home:

Lisa. The leggy blonde was Matty’s first favourite, but without a second single date, they never had a chance to kick up the chemistry.

Style pick:

Laura’s navy Zachary the Label dress is the best of a dull bunch this evening.